Busy Busy Busy

Where do I even begin? There has been way way way too much stuff going on the last month to even begin to describe. So I’m gunna shorthand everything. And then if you wanna know more, comment, and I’ll blog specifically about that! So here we go!

1.     My mom and little brother, E, moved up! So I get to see me fam on a regular basis now! Which is pretty much the best thing ever.

2.     I did okay on my first physics exam. And okay on my first NSCI exam. Definitely need to step it up though.

3.     Lots and LOTS of work drama. I’m very frustrated.

4.     I have a freaking ADORABLE guy in my new physics group. We’ll call him physics boy. He also lives in my building, which is awesome.

5.     Holy drama with SB boy. We were hard core talking for a while. Including a 3 and a half hour skype session while I was drunk and he was sober. But then I decided I really wanted him to put forth the effort. And I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. Like, sorry what? But now we’re back to talking again. But part of me thinks that’s cuz he wants me to come visit him next weekend. And I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not.  I really can’t sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people. I’m not that type of girl and I think it’s gross. But I called him out on the fact that I feel like he probably talks to a lot of girls like he talks to me, cuz hes so complimentary and sweet all the time. And his response was “No I don’t J, I think you’re a really cool girl and I really wish I could spend more time with you. Maybe over Winter break.” And he was drunk. So I really don’t know.

6.     I was so sick for like 2 weeks. And lost so much weight. I kinda look gross now.

7.     I am training for a 5K. Which normally wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except that my doctors told me my knees could never withstand running. But I’ve missed it so much, and am loving it.

8.     My best friend, Arizona, introduced me to one of her friends, we’ll call him the mutual friend. He. Is. Gorgeous. And super sweet. And I’ve only hung out with him really once, in our group. But he’s adorable. And there’s definitely flock member potential.

9.     My good friend at work is known by a lot of people as my twin. We look alike, are both going to med school, and both ride horses. And have the same personality, etc. Well her cousin is a freshman (but 20) at my school, on the hockey team. And last spring she was talking about trying to hook me up with him. Well I met his parents, her aunt and uncle, tonight. And they talked to me for five minutes and immediately went “You need to meet our son.” So apparently that actually has to happen now. But I don’t think anything could come of it, cuz he’s a hockey player. And God knows they’re so gross.

So that’s the shortened version of everything I can think of right now. I really don’t know if I shoul

Being A Typical Girl

Jeeze, I mean, I woke up the morning after my last blog post, reread it and reread my conversation with SB boy and felt like a moron. I think I am LOOKING for reasons to push him away, or cast him aside. So I’m gunna restate what that conversation the other night was really like. He was sober. The entire time. He actually told me when he was going to start drinking, and it was way after all of the comments about me going to visit him, and him coming to visit me, and wanting to spend time with me and this that and the other. So I kinda felt like an idiot. I mean that doesn’t end the whole, me not knowing what I want, thing, and the whole, me not wanting to sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people, thing. And also, other than the 15-20 minutes after his game on Friday, we really haven’t spent much time together sober. Which I brought up to him the other night. But that leads me to another story.

Last May when he came down to visit me, we took a goofy picture while we were drunkenly waiting for his friend, that had me making an outrageous “oh my gosh look who I found!” face and him kissing my cheek. Super cute. But one of his teammates posted on it saying “I think maybe *insert another spring break member/sb boys roommate here* ‘s song is now your song.” To which he replied “haha no way man” and I was curious, but didn’t really think much about it. Well last night I got a comment on a picture we took Friday night, and it was from the same teammate saying “Hey *SB boy* I am listening to Spring Break Up right now!” and SB Boy liked it. So I of course was like, wait wtf?! Cuz, if you know the lyrics to that song, it is kinda weird. And totally doesn’t describe our situation at all. But I ignored it until we were randomly on at the same time, and then I just was like “hahaha spring break up huh?!” and he laughed and immediately explained that they had given that song to their roommate because he had been obsessed with my friend, Callie… like creepily obsessed, and she was just interested in a spring break fling. So he explained that and then said that he guessed his teammate was trying to peg that on him.

So then my question is… what? How do his teammates know that much about us? Blah. But while we were talking I joked about us being drunk asses whenever we were around each other, and he promptly said that we should change that very soon and go to dinner as ‘sober members of society’. So what do y’all think, do I give him a chance? Or just toss him aside?

And on the other hand there is the coworker who is into me. And very cute. But I don’t know how I feel about the whole going on a date with a coworker thing. Anyone have any experience about that? What do y’all think??

I Don't Know What I Want

It takes a lot for me to stress out about a boy. And I do mean a lot. But I’m there. It may be because I haven’t had my depo shot and I’m all weirdly pms-y and stuff, but I sure am not a happy camper right now. It has to do with Spring Break Boy and me being an anti-commitment, anti-attached kind of person. I guess I need to start at the beginning.

I met Spring Break boy on spring break (go figure), when me and my friends Izzie, Callie and Lexie, went to Florida. I ran into SB boy’s friend/teammate in a store while I was waiting for my friends. He was wearing a college tshirt that hinted that he was from close to our school. And he was. Like 2 and a half hours north. SB boy came down the stairs a few minutes later with a few of his other friends. There were 5 total. I totally was all about SB boy from the moment I saw him. I mean, he’s just gorgeous and totally my type, 6’3” of muscle, and big brown eyes. Just gorgeous. Once Lexie, Izzie, and Callie got to the store we stood around chatting with them, and SB boy actually exchanged numbers with Izzie. Which I was completely jealous of, and Callie exchanged with one of SB boys friends.

So whatever happened, and we ended up meeting up with them the next night, and going to their condo they were renting for the week. We just drank and played drinking games and all that. Me and SB boy were very flirty, and it became obvious he was interested in me, and one of his friends was interested in Izzie. As we were playing, the “never have I ever” portion of the game came up, and in that I learned that he had had a threesome. Which was something I was totally not expecting. To me, that’s not attractive. But regardless, we got drunk and made out in the hot tub. And in the shower. But we never did anything but make out. And this happened pretty much every night of the week. And one night we went to a bar, and we were brats and made each other jealous all night, typical immature BS. But once we got over it we were back to the fun normal stuff. Well spring break ended, and that was that. We still talked a good bit though. Flirty, all the time, etc.

Well after finals, he came down to visit. So that night we went out to the bars, and neither of us drank much, but we had a good time. He got jealous/protective when someone else hit on me, and all that. We pretty much acted like a couple. Which is really, really weird for me. He got to meet Arizona, and a few of my coworkers, and they all LOVED him. He ended up spending the night, and we pretty much did everything BUT have sex. I’m just not the type of person who can do the one night stand type deal. And that’s what it felt like. But I really, really, really wanted to. If you know what I mean.

I left for home the next day, and we talked on and off all summer, always flirty and stuff. And he would tweet random things at me that let me know he was tweeting at me, like during the Olympics. Well, he had a game in town this past Friday night, and I went to it, because he asked me too. And dear God, that boy in football pants? Holy bajeesus. But after the game, I went out on the field. His family was there, so I went and talked to another mutual friend for a while, before he came over. We hugged and the pictures are freaking adorable. The kid makes me smile like a mad woman. But then he had to leave to go back to school, and we texted all night.

He talked about me coming up, and then coming down to visit me once football is over and all that. But eventually he was saying it while drunk, and I didn’t know if it was just drunk words, or if its more of the drunk mind=sober thoughts thing. Who knows. But I do know I got way too drunk, ended up seeing the guy I met at the bookstore last week, and hanging out with him all night. He didn’t leave my apartment til like 5 am. But SB boy was texting me while he was here, and one text I got was “I love me some insert my full name here” at like 4 am. Like, I know he was wasted. But like, ugh, no.

So pretty much I don’t know how to take it all. I don’t want a relationship with him, I don’t like the commitment and stuff. But I also don’t want to be sleeping with him, and him be sleeping with other people. Make sense? So pretty much I want the best of both worlds, without sacrificing my views. What do y’all think I should do? So conflicted. I don’t even know what I really want. Or what I should do. Should I just ignore him until he comes down here? Or should I go visit? Help!

Semester From Hell

Semester from hell is the understatement. I mean, two weeks in and I already am sick. And by sick I mean like, threw up multiple times this morning. And I don’t throw up. I can literally count on two hands how many times I’ve thrown up when I was sick. Between not sleeping enough and not eating enough, and running myself ragged with homework, my team, and other things, what could I really expect though? At least it gives me some time to sleep and rest and catch up on stuff though.

So this Semester I’m taking a 4000 level genetics class, a 3000 level cellular based neuroscience class, an intro to physics class, and an intro to psychology class. Obviously psych is a joke, but I have to read the book, which is a lot of boring reading, and listen to online lectures, which are stupid and time consuming. I know there are a LOT of psych majors out there, but no offense, it ain’t my thing, and I really just think it’s kind of stupid. Now abnormal psych? That’s my shit. But this stupid other stuff? No thanks. Now physics may be an intro class, but seriously? That class scares the bajeemies out of me. I hate it. Ahhhh! But my professor is really good, and oddly enough pretty good looking too. Can’t hate that, right? We’ve gone through chapter 1 and 2, and they were easy enough I guess, I just have this problem with over thinking stuff if I think it’s too easy… whoops. So any physics majors/engineering majors out there, hollaaaa! I was actually in the TA tutoring room just making sure I did my homework right, and one of the TA’s (not my TA) is really cute.. may have to stop by there more often ;) Now as for my neuroscience class, I took it because I thought it would be an easy one. Well I got two of them mixed up, and of course I’m taking the hardest neuroscience class offered. Whoops. It’s definitely tough. But I’m working my butt off. I got a 100% on the first quiz. Granted, the first quiz was online and open book. But whatever. I have my first “assignment” today, on membrane and action potentials, etc etc. See how that goes. And last but not least is Genetics. I got into the class with the best professor. He’s really awesome, I had him for one of my intro to bio classes, and he’s awesome. He wrote the book we use. It doesn’t seem like too hard of a class yet. But who knows. We have a short quiz every Monday, and a longer/harder quiz every Wednesday. And those are only two classes of the week. So we’re kind of forced to stay caught up. Which is good. But we have no exams until the final in December. Which is really scary!

So you can see how I’ve been super busy. Add in tryouts for my team (which I made of course), and trying to stay working out and stuff, and my social life goes down the drain. I did manage to go out last Saturday. Saw the Cheater, it was kind of funny, he was with his fuck buddy and looked miserable. Sucks to suck, dude.

As for new cute guys, I met a guy in the elevator in my building this past Wednesday, and was like, oh holy crap. He’s an athlete (which sucks, but whatever), was super tall, and totally my type. He is also my friends roommate. But said friend (also an athlete), has started acting like he’s “too good” for his friends from freshman/sophomore year lately. So we’ll see what happens when he gets his head on straight. Maybe he has a girlfriend or something. But they live the floor below me, so I totally am constantly plotting. He also knows my teammate, so I’ve been getting info from her. Yes, I’m a major creep, sue me. But I’m gunna try and take a nap now. My stomach is killing me. Yuck.

Hockey Boys and Bastard Boy

Well, lets just say that since I got off the plane on Thursday, it has been quite eventful. Lexie was kind enough to pick me up from the airport, and we immediately went to get some food at the bar I work at, Reilly’s, and then frozen yogurt. After that we went to go meet my brother’s host family, which is about 15 minutes from my campus, which is super nice, ‘cuz I’ll be able to see him a decent amount. Afterwards we picked up Izzie, and then we started drinking – of course. We had run into a few of the guys who played hockey at my school, and they had invited us to  their sophomore’s house that night for a shindig. 

So we drank sweet tea vodka and lemonade until 11:15, and then made the block trek over to the guys house. Now Izzie and Lexie were definitely a little bit more drunk than I was. But I was drunk enough that my southern accent came out. And God knows how annoying that is. I met a cute boy pretty quickly. We flirted, and eventually Izzie and Lex came over to chat. The four of us chatted quite a bit until I noticed Lex tense up with her eyes fixed over my shoulder. And when I turned around it was, of course, The Cheater. Well his teammate came over and gave me a hug and stood and talked to me. But I ignored the cheater. He had this look on his face that was half miserable, half pleading puppy dog eyes. But I only glanced once or twice to make sure I could venture away from my friends.

He eventually left. I saw another one of his teammates who again was all “ahh! I love you! We miss you!” etc. etc. It sucked to be thrown back into seeing him and everything that reminds me of him. But it’s part of life I guess. I think around school there will always be things that remind me of him. People especially. I mean we have so many mutual friends that it’s hard to avoid him.

But what isn’t hard is that I want nothing to do with him. It’s plainly obvious. Yet last night he felt the need to text me. “Look I know I hurt you really badly. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help.” Like what in the fuck! And it was at like 1:30 am, so you know it was a sad attempt to just talk to me. He’s made it blatantly obvious over the last few years that he doesn’t give two shits about me. It just makes me mad. I probably should have made some smart ass remark in response, but I didn’t. I deleted his message, and since I don’t have his number, that means no response. But my idea is that if I see him I’ll give him that smart-ass answer. What do y’all think I should say? Cuz I know he’ll try to come up and talk to me next time. He’s done it multiple times before – so give me some ideas!

Now back to Thursday night. After the party died down we stayed with the cute hockey boy playing beer pong until like 2 am. He eventually started drinking a decent amount and then got really handsy and clingy. I mean, he was never overly so, but definitely didn’t act like he HAD A GIRLFRIEND!!! Which, I now know he did! Absolutely amazes me that guys can act that way. So after I found this out, another guy came over and started hitting on us. He claimed to be a pro hockey player (AHL), and tried to keep using it to his advantage. Which didn’t work. But I was kind of relieved when him and his friend walked with us to a great little pizza joint a few blocks away. I never like walking around campus with just girls. But after we left there he got really, really touchy and like, obnoxious. And then tried to follow us into Lex’s house! It was absolutely ridiculous! Like, no one invited you in! And then he turned into a royal ass hole when we were like “um, goodbye!” Stupid freaking boys. It’s all their fault…boys and their stupid boy penises!!!

I Guess It's Inevitable

I guess it’s inevitable that I’m going to see The Cheater again. As I am sitting here on my flight back to school, it’s dawning on me that I’m going to see him again. And that is where you input a 5 year old voice squealing “But I don’t wanna!” I haven’t spoken to him since the beginning of summer break, when he sent me a text with a picture of a Spanish cathedral to which I replied “Why are you texting me? Don’t text me. This is my * The Cheater * free zone.” And I haven’t heard from him since then. It has been a long road trying to get over him. It’s like he is everywhere when I’m on campus. I found out around the 4^th of July last year that he had been having a relationship with another girl since mid march. He had been having sex with another girl (who ended up being a treacherous whore who knew he had a girlfriend the whole time) for almost 5 months. He started having sex with her BEFORE he convinced me to sleep with him… to lose my virginity to him! I had gone through so much with him. He really was the first man that I trusted completely. And I did love him. But I think it was a forced love. I think that I was homesick when I met him, being a freshman half way across the country from my family and friends, so when we started dating he became my comfort blanket. Not exactly a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Now after I found out he had been cheating on me, I looked back and saw all the red flags. Realized that I had been being stupid. It was a tough lesson. It hurt like all hell. But I learned from it.

I really thought I was over it two months later when I moved back to school. But I was living in the dorm building next to his apartments. And I was working at the biggest bar on campus. And he was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And I would get drunk, and see him, and lose my head. I’m so embarrassed now as I look back at the way I acted the first month or so when I got back. I dated guys, led guys on, who I never had real interest in. Even months later when I really was interested in a guy, who was by all means an amazing man, I couldn’t do a relationship. And that’s when I realized I’m just not made for relationships. I don’t trust any men. Now, I trust my best friend of 10 years, but that’s in a completely different context than in a relationship manner. I just don’t think trusting a guy is worth it. I have yet to meet a guy who turns me on. And by turns me on, I don’t just mean physically, because while that’s very, very, very important – I really do value being attracted to a man’s intellect and heart. It’s one thing to spend a night making out with a guy like 15 year olds, and another to be in a relationship. That’s not what a relationship can be built on.

This summer I haven’t thought about The Cheater much at all. I know he’s dating some girl. I know he cheated on her, and she took him back. I also know who the girl is, and have heard she’s a jersey girl, who is only interested in him because of  his “D1 athlete” standing. And as much as I wanna be like “well sucks to be used, dude” I can’t be. Because I really loved him. And as stupid as it is, I don’t want him to be hurt. Even though he completely annihilated me. Talk about self destructive. But I have vowed to myself that I will not, under any circumstances seek him out to talk, hang out, or whatever. And if I do happen to see him out and it cant be avoided  (we do have sooo many mutual friends), I will be coolly polite, and take the high road. But just thinking about seeing him, seeing him at all, gives me this huge pit in my stomach. It’s been over a year since this all went down, why do I feel so sick when I think of him? I have all of these gorgeous, smart, amazing guys vying for my attention, and yet I still feel sick when I think about The Cheater. It sucks! And the worst part is, it’s been a year and two months, and I don’t know when it will stop. I hate feeling weak like this. I hate that I gave him that kind of control over me. How stupid can I get? Never again will I give a man that kind of power over me. Never again will I date a guy who makes me an option, and only is there when he needs something from me. It was so obvious what he was doing, and yet I didn’t see it until the very end. And the thing that hurts the most? I waited so long. I wanted to make sure I lost my virginity to a guy who loved me and I loved and blah blah blah. I wanted to make sure I felt safe.  Because I was molested as a 6 year old. It gave me this residual fear of being intimate with men. And its something I am so ashamed of, even to this day. But I trusted him. I let him in, let him see how scared I was, and he used me. And treated me like I was expendable.   It just blows my mind that someone could be that cruel – especially someone who claimed to love me as much as he said he did.

As you can tell I still have so many untapped feelings about this. But really? I did love him. And even if he didn’t love me, I loved him. And so I guess losing my virginity to him wasn’t 100% bad. Because I did nothing wrong. I did what I thought was right. How could I know at that time that he was a pathological liar? I mean, maybe I should have seen it with all the red flags. But… UGH! It’s just such a stupid thing. I will never, ever cheat. Because I just couldn’t put anyone through what I went through. And still go through. But when I think about seeing him again… part of me wants to kick him in the balls… part of me wants to flip my hair, look outrageously gorgeous, and be flirting with an equally gorgeous guy… and part of me wants to run away and never come back. Talk about mixed emotions. But I guess it’s inevitable. And even if there is no equally gorgeous guy, I’m going to make sure that bastard sees me having a great time and loving life! Because that’s the best thing to do, right?

Back To School!

Back to school, back to school, to prove to mom I’m not a fool! Ahhh! I can’t wait. I ended up getting A’s in both my summer classes, which boosted my GPA a little. Still have some work to do after messing up my freshman year, but I’m well on my way! Well, where do I start about how I feel about moving back to my University? Well first off, I’m moving into an AMAZING apartment. I’m super stoked. It’s literally right across the street from campus, and I have my own bedroom and bathroom! My roommate, we’ll call her Miranda, seems to be really nice. We aren’t super close, but she was on my team freshman year, and she rides horses. She’s also pre-vet, so she gets the whole study constantly thing. Hopefully we end up getting along really well. She seems like the type of girl I could get along with, anyways.

I think one of the best parts of going back is being reunited with my girls. I have a solid group of girls who I met freshman year in the dorms. We shall call them Izzie, Callie, and Lexie. They’re the girls who went with me on Spring Break this past year, which is coincidently where I met Spring Break Boy (go figure). But about these girls. Izzie is by far my closest of them. We became really good friends around winter finals of freshman year. She’s also premed, though she wants to be an anesthesiologist. She is sooo smart, but she’s such an airhead - definitely the type of girl to make you laugh your ass off all the time. She also gives great advice and is someone I can actually talk to. Lexie I have been friends with pretty much since day one. I love her to death. She’s the only one in our little group who is not a science nerd. She’s all communication/journalism and shit. Sometimes I think she feels a little left out, but what can ya do? Everyone has their interests. The biggest thing about her that bugs me is her is that sometimes she goes giggly 13 year old girl on us. And I’m just not that type. Izzie will join in sometimes too, which just really goads me. I don’t like pretending I’m an ignorant, immature preteen. It’s just not my thing. But 99% of the time Lexie isn’t like that. She’s great, and another person I can talk to. Callie is amazing. She’s super smart too, and athletic, and we get along all the time. She’s pre-pharmacy, so she studies her ass off too. I’ve known her since freshman year as well, but we didn’t really start hanging out until this past year.

The last really close girlfriend I have is a teammate of mine who I have mentioned before, we’ll call her Arizona. She doesn’t really hang out with Izzie, Callie, Lexie and I, but I definitely spend a lot of time with her. She’s a teammate of mine, so we definitely are together a lot. Plus she’s over 21, so she can go to the bars with me, which the other girls cant!

Now as for fall semester, I’m super nervous. My class schedule is all dorked up. I have conflicting classes, because I’m trying to get into the Genetics class with the best professor, and the physics class with the better one, and still take my pharmacology class. It’s absolutely impossible. I’m thinking I’m going to have to drop my pharmacology class, and then get a permission number for the better physics professor, and then the better Genetics professor just told me to show up on the first day of class and he would try and get me in. I am SO excited about that class. I absolutely love genetics – and he teaches it in a discussion based way instead of  in a lecture mode.  Way better in my ADHD mind.

Lastly, I finally have to meet with the modeling agency that has been hounding me all summer. I had sent in pictures to them on a whim back in May, and they almost immediately emailed/called me to try and get me to come in to talk about representation. But I had to come home for the summer. So now comes the time that I have to go talk to them. And I’m nervous. I by no means think I’m pretty enough to model, but apparently they think I am. Guess we’ll find out soon. Oh and I have more to tell y’all about all the men in my life. I guess that’s for another entry though!