I Guess It's Inevitable

I guess it’s inevitable that I’m going to see The Cheater again. As I am sitting here on my flight back to school, it’s dawning on me that I’m going to see him again. And that is where you input a 5 year old voice squealing “But I don’t wanna!” I haven’t spoken to him since the beginning of summer break, when he sent me a text with a picture of a Spanish cathedral to which I replied “Why are you texting me? Don’t text me. This is my * The Cheater * free zone.” And I haven’t heard from him since then. It has been a long road trying to get over him. It’s like he is everywhere when I’m on campus. I found out around the 4^th of July last year that he had been having a relationship with another girl since mid march. He had been having sex with another girl (who ended up being a treacherous whore who knew he had a girlfriend the whole time) for almost 5 months. He started having sex with her BEFORE he convinced me to sleep with him… to lose my virginity to him! I had gone through so much with him. He really was the first man that I trusted completely. And I did love him. But I think it was a forced love. I think that I was homesick when I met him, being a freshman half way across the country from my family and friends, so when we started dating he became my comfort blanket. Not exactly a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Now after I found out he had been cheating on me, I looked back and saw all the red flags. Realized that I had been being stupid. It was a tough lesson. It hurt like all hell. But I learned from it.

I really thought I was over it two months later when I moved back to school. But I was living in the dorm building next to his apartments. And I was working at the biggest bar on campus. And he was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And I would get drunk, and see him, and lose my head. I’m so embarrassed now as I look back at the way I acted the first month or so when I got back. I dated guys, led guys on, who I never had real interest in. Even months later when I really was interested in a guy, who was by all means an amazing man, I couldn’t do a relationship. And that’s when I realized I’m just not made for relationships. I don’t trust any men. Now, I trust my best friend of 10 years, but that’s in a completely different context than in a relationship manner. I just don’t think trusting a guy is worth it. I have yet to meet a guy who turns me on. And by turns me on, I don’t just mean physically, because while that’s very, very, very important – I really do value being attracted to a man’s intellect and heart. It’s one thing to spend a night making out with a guy like 15 year olds, and another to be in a relationship. That’s not what a relationship can be built on.

This summer I haven’t thought about The Cheater much at all. I know he’s dating some girl. I know he cheated on her, and she took him back. I also know who the girl is, and have heard she’s a jersey girl, who is only interested in him because of  his “D1 athlete” standing. And as much as I wanna be like “well sucks to be used, dude” I can’t be. Because I really loved him. And as stupid as it is, I don’t want him to be hurt. Even though he completely annihilated me. Talk about self destructive. But I have vowed to myself that I will not, under any circumstances seek him out to talk, hang out, or whatever. And if I do happen to see him out and it cant be avoided  (we do have sooo many mutual friends), I will be coolly polite, and take the high road. But just thinking about seeing him, seeing him at all, gives me this huge pit in my stomach. It’s been over a year since this all went down, why do I feel so sick when I think of him? I have all of these gorgeous, smart, amazing guys vying for my attention, and yet I still feel sick when I think about The Cheater. It sucks! And the worst part is, it’s been a year and two months, and I don’t know when it will stop. I hate feeling weak like this. I hate that I gave him that kind of control over me. How stupid can I get? Never again will I give a man that kind of power over me. Never again will I date a guy who makes me an option, and only is there when he needs something from me. It was so obvious what he was doing, and yet I didn’t see it until the very end. And the thing that hurts the most? I waited so long. I wanted to make sure I lost my virginity to a guy who loved me and I loved and blah blah blah. I wanted to make sure I felt safe.  Because I was molested as a 6 year old. It gave me this residual fear of being intimate with men. And its something I am so ashamed of, even to this day. But I trusted him. I let him in, let him see how scared I was, and he used me. And treated me like I was expendable.   It just blows my mind that someone could be that cruel – especially someone who claimed to love me as much as he said he did.

As you can tell I still have so many untapped feelings about this. But really? I did love him. And even if he didn’t love me, I loved him. And so I guess losing my virginity to him wasn’t 100% bad. Because I did nothing wrong. I did what I thought was right. How could I know at that time that he was a pathological liar? I mean, maybe I should have seen it with all the red flags. But… UGH! It’s just such a stupid thing. I will never, ever cheat. Because I just couldn’t put anyone through what I went through. And still go through. But when I think about seeing him again… part of me wants to kick him in the balls… part of me wants to flip my hair, look outrageously gorgeous, and be flirting with an equally gorgeous guy… and part of me wants to run away and never come back. Talk about mixed emotions. But I guess it’s inevitable. And even if there is no equally gorgeous guy, I’m going to make sure that bastard sees me having a great time and loving life! Because that’s the best thing to do, right?

Back To School!

Back to school, back to school, to prove to mom I’m not a fool! Ahhh! I can’t wait. I ended up getting A’s in both my summer classes, which boosted my GPA a little. Still have some work to do after messing up my freshman year, but I’m well on my way! Well, where do I start about how I feel about moving back to my University? Well first off, I’m moving into an AMAZING apartment. I’m super stoked. It’s literally right across the street from campus, and I have my own bedroom and bathroom! My roommate, we’ll call her Miranda, seems to be really nice. We aren’t super close, but she was on my team freshman year, and she rides horses. She’s also pre-vet, so she gets the whole study constantly thing. Hopefully we end up getting along really well. She seems like the type of girl I could get along with, anyways.

I think one of the best parts of going back is being reunited with my girls. I have a solid group of girls who I met freshman year in the dorms. We shall call them Izzie, Callie, and Lexie. They’re the girls who went with me on Spring Break this past year, which is coincidently where I met Spring Break Boy (go figure). But about these girls. Izzie is by far my closest of them. We became really good friends around winter finals of freshman year. She’s also premed, though she wants to be an anesthesiologist. She is sooo smart, but she’s such an airhead - definitely the type of girl to make you laugh your ass off all the time. She also gives great advice and is someone I can actually talk to. Lexie I have been friends with pretty much since day one. I love her to death. She’s the only one in our little group who is not a science nerd. She’s all communication/journalism and shit. Sometimes I think she feels a little left out, but what can ya do? Everyone has their interests. The biggest thing about her that bugs me is her is that sometimes she goes giggly 13 year old girl on us. And I’m just not that type. Izzie will join in sometimes too, which just really goads me. I don’t like pretending I’m an ignorant, immature preteen. It’s just not my thing. But 99% of the time Lexie isn’t like that. She’s great, and another person I can talk to. Callie is amazing. She’s super smart too, and athletic, and we get along all the time. She’s pre-pharmacy, so she studies her ass off too. I’ve known her since freshman year as well, but we didn’t really start hanging out until this past year.

The last really close girlfriend I have is a teammate of mine who I have mentioned before, we’ll call her Arizona. She doesn’t really hang out with Izzie, Callie, Lexie and I, but I definitely spend a lot of time with her. She’s a teammate of mine, so we definitely are together a lot. Plus she’s over 21, so she can go to the bars with me, which the other girls cant!

Now as for fall semester, I’m super nervous. My class schedule is all dorked up. I have conflicting classes, because I’m trying to get into the Genetics class with the best professor, and the physics class with the better one, and still take my pharmacology class. It’s absolutely impossible. I’m thinking I’m going to have to drop my pharmacology class, and then get a permission number for the better physics professor, and then the better Genetics professor just told me to show up on the first day of class and he would try and get me in. I am SO excited about that class. I absolutely love genetics – and he teaches it in a discussion based way instead of  in a lecture mode.  Way better in my ADHD mind.

Lastly, I finally have to meet with the modeling agency that has been hounding me all summer. I had sent in pictures to them on a whim back in May, and they almost immediately emailed/called me to try and get me to come in to talk about representation. But I had to come home for the summer. So now comes the time that I have to go talk to them. And I’m nervous. I by no means think I’m pretty enough to model, but apparently they think I am. Guess we’ll find out soon. Oh and I have more to tell y’all about all the men in my life. I guess that’s for another entry though!

Doctor Boy

I suck. I know. I was contemplating redoing this blog and making it public. But then I realized I would hate that, and wouldn’t be able to be so honest with y’all. So I’m staying anonymous. And I’ll catch you up on the past month as we go. But right now most of y’all, according to twitter, want to know the story behind Doctor Boy. So here goes!

I met Doctor Boy the summer after my junior year in high school. I was convinced I was going to Duke University, and he was still picking which baseball scholarship he was going to take. I was attracted to him instantly because he had this very emotionless façade, and these stunning eyes – like pierce through your soul kind of eyes. Absolutely beautiful. We were at this leadership convention in Arkansas, and it was tiny and Christian based, and honestly, I had expected it to be an absolutely miserable experience. But it wasn’t, I had the time of my life, and met some of the most amazing people I had ever met before. At this point in my life, I was still on and off with HS Sweetheart, and so I really didn’t think of Doctor Boy as anything more than just a good looking friend. He had been dating his girlfriend for quite a few years, and we just got along as friends well enough to keep in touch. We had some great talks during the week we were at the forum. I learned that he also wanted to be a doctor, and that he shared a lot of the same values I did. I also learned that he was incredibly intelligent – and for a girl who had yet to meet a guy who was on her level of smarts, it was a very nice first for me! We kept in touch for a few months. Found out where we each chose to go for college. All that. But it eventually just turned into me seeing him on my facebook timeline from time to time, and not really thinking about it.

Then at the beginning of this summer, he followed me on twitter, and we just began to chat idly, he commented on a picture of us and another friend from my facebook about getting together for a reunion. We eventually swapped phone numbers and began to talk a lot. I learned that him and his (now ex) girlfriend of 5 years had broken up around april or may, though he didn’t go into much detail, and that he still planned on becoming a doctor. We were very flirty, and it was great. And finally I just invited him down to visit me, since he went to school about 4 hours away from my hometown.

Well last weekend he made the drive down Friday after he got out of classes. It was kind of awkward at first. But it got less awkward when he gave me a hug and looked down at me and went “Man you really haven’t grown at all since the trip!” in that adorable, deep southern accent that you can only get out of a true southern farm boy. We fell into an easy rhythm pretty quick. Unlike me, he had grown a good 3 or 4 inches since the trip, and now stood easily over 6 foot, a definite positive in my mind – height is one of my non negotiables, or “hard limits” for all of you 50 shades fans.

I helped my mom make salmon and mango salsa, and to be honest, I really am quite inept when it comes to cooking, except for a few other things, so of course both Doctor Boy and my mom gave me a hard time about that. My mom’s best friend was also over, she was spending the night that night to help mom pack and what not. We all started drinking after dinner, white wine for me, an IPA for Doctor boy, and coconut rum/pineapple for my ma and her friend. House was kind of our show of choice as we relaxed that night. It was kinda awkward at first, cuz we had only ever been friends, but we knew we were attracted to each other – and its always one thing if you start things out as more than friends, but when you move from friends to more there is always that little awkward stage. So we sat there drinking, him on one couch, me on the other, waiting til midnight so we could go get the hunger games. Eventually he came over and sat on my couch so my Mom and her friend could sit on the couch he was sitting on. He grabbed my hand, and it was super cute, but with mom being there, and all that, it was just kind of awkward. It’s times like this where I really can’t wait to be living in my own apartment again!

My 16 year old bro, M, drove us to Walmart to go get the movie at midnight, and I have to say, I definitely geeked out a little bit. I absolutely love the Hunger Games series. And Doctor Boy hadn’t even seen the movie yet! So we walked through walmart all couple like and cutesy, bought our movies and headed home. My mom and her friend only made it like 20 minutes into the movie before they fell asleep, so me and Doctor Boy finally got to cuddle up on the couch. And I think that’s when it hit me how freaking adorable this kid is. Not only is he good looking, and super intelligent, he just is a sweetheart. He gives off this unemotional, stoic façade, but once he lets you past that he’s super open and adorable. Which I can’t say as much for myself. I found myself wanting to open up to him multiple times that night, and the next night, and just wasn’t able to do it. So we cuddled, and he kissed my cheek, and we watched the hunger games. And eventually I turned around to say something, and he kissed me. So obviously we were up until 4 am making out on the couch like teenagers. It was a blast.

The next day we went to the beach, got burned like idiots, went to lunch, and then came home and showered and went to play putt putt… in the thunder and lightning of course. But it was a blast. I learned I absolutely suck at putting, but I can hit the ball pretty dang far! And then we went home and had a night similar to the night before. It was a lot of fun, and relaxing. And I hated that he had to go the next day. But he did. He left around noon. It was sad. But such is life. I know I wont see him again for God only knows how long. But it’s alright. I knew that going into the weekend. I think he maybe thought more of it than I did? But that’s not a new thing. He had made sly cracks about long term that I don’t think he knew I got, cuz I kind of ignored them. But in reality, if there was a type that I’d go for long term, he would be it. I mean, how can you go wrong with an absolutely gorgeous, super smart, future doctor? Oh, and he has a southern accent. Love it!