Amazed

Wow. I mean, I don’t really know what else to say. The response to my entry from last night was overwhelming. I can’t even explain to you how much the supportive tweets, messages, and comments meant to me. A part of me really was terrified that people would ridicule me for posting that. I guess I feel like what I went thought isn’t “legit” enough to be classified as “abuse”. And even now as I sit here writing this, my best friend is sitting doing homework across from me and keeps giving me weird looks due to the contemplative look I have on my face. If someone I didn’t know, or even a friend of mine, told me my story, I would feel awful, and I would definitely classify it as abuse, but because it’s me, I have a hard time doing that. Why is that I wonder?

            To those of you who shared your story with me, however similar or dissimilar it was, just know that you aren’t alone. If there is one thing I can contribute to this world, I hope that just one person knows that they aren’t the only one struggling through the abuse, or struggling through dealing with past abuse. And as selfish as it is, I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I’m not the only one who is going through this. And as relieved as I am, it also saddens me that any one else has to go through it. Does that make sense? I know it’s very contradictory, but I have so many emotions going nine million different ways on this topic.

            Strength. So many of you told me that I was a strong girl for writing this. I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. I feel weak for never realizing what was happening during this. I feel weak for not urging my mother to get herself, and my brothers and I out of the situation sooner. I feel weak for even considering that I was abused, knowing that so many of you out there are currently going through, or have gone through much much worse. I feel weak for not being able to just forget it and move on. And mostly, I feel weak for not hating him, for still seeking his approval and affection. I constantly want his approval, to make him proud, and it’s like he will never give it to me. I tell him I got a 98 percent on a test in one hard class, and he ignores that and asks about another hard class he knows I am struggling with. He asks about my finals, I explain and mention that my grade really depends on my final in Physics, and he sneers that he knows how it works, he has a bachelors and three masters degrees, and then sarcastically goes “but I’m sure college is so much harder now.” And yet, I still want to explain, still want him to tell me he’s proud of me.

            He’s coming to visit at the end of this month. I haven’t seen him since August, and I didn’t live with him this summer, so I really haven’t spent any prolonged period of time with him since the summer of 2011. I don’t really know how to act or what to expect. The part of me that constantly seeks his love and approval keeps saying “maybe he’s changed.” Yet, every time he does something nice, its followed by the same angry, destructive nature that characterized our relationship throughout my childhood. So why should I believe that he will change now? At what point do I throw in the towel?

            To those of you struggling to move past and deal with the repercussions of childhood abuse, I understand. To those of you who have survived, and who are thriving, I admire you so much. To those of you who are currently being abused, I’ve been there – I know you probably don’t see anything wrong with what is happening to you, but you feel lonely, worthless, hopeless, know that that isn’t normal. Talk to someone, anyone. It WILL get better. I promise. Each one of you is blessed and are going to do something special with your life, I know I am going to with mine.

            xoxo - J

An Alternate Reality

I don’t know if I’ll post this. I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing this. Every time I talk about this, it becomes more a part of my present, and less a part of my past, so I’m almost afraid that by the time I finish this it will consume me. The fear I mean. The feeling of brokenness, of being damaged, of it being my fault, and worst of all the hopelessness. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I have good friends, there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I hate myself for it. So many people have it so much worse than I do.

            I always thought it was normal, the way my dad acted. He would go into blind rages over small things, but I just thought all men did that. He would throw things. Break things. Scream at me. Belittle me. But I don’t remember much. He would start screaming, and the next thing I know my mom would be stroking my hair and I’d be in bed, crying, or in a closet, or a corner rocking and back and forth. He never sexually abused me (though a babysitter did, once when I was 6). He didn’t really physically abuse me either. He hit me a few times, but I wouldn’t classify it as abuse. But he did threaten me physically. And he was physical. One of my most vivid memories as a child was my mother and I huddled together in the corner of her room as my father screamed outside the door and then proceeded to break the door down. He did this twice on two separate occasions. I vividly remember him throwing a giant glass jar full of some type of nuts or whatever at my mother out of anger. As recently as this past summer he was screaming at me because I got into a fender bender, and grabbed my arm, so I ran down the street and hid in my neighbors garage until he left. Or the time he kicked in our cabinets. Or screamed at me bloody murder, again until I blacked out, because the crabs somehow got let out of the crab traps. He always apologized. Always. But he’d do it again. And again and again. It happened as often as every day, and sometimes as far apart as a week. But every time I thought he was going to stop, it would happen again. Or he would threaten me, and use my fear of him against me. Threaten to give away my horse. To not let me go to college. To leave and go back to Iraq. To divorce my mom. And on and on and on. When I was younger I thought my parents splitting up would be the end of the world. Now I wish she would have left him when I was much younger.

I don’t hate my Dad. I hope no one gets that idea. And he’s not a bad person. Just not a great father. I don’t know why he does this. I know he’s sick. I know his dad did it to him. I just wish he loved me, my mom, and my brothers enough to get help. But he won’t. And I thought it was normal. The only relationship I’ve ever been exposed to is my parents. A relationship full of domestic violence and manipulation. I can’t fathom a healthy, functional relationship, because they don’t exist in my reality. Men have only ever hurt me. I never had a real father daughter relationship. But men scare me. Every man I ever spend time with I fight fear. And if they explode, yell, curse, anything at me? I freak out. To this day.

My biggest fear is that I’m damaged. I don’t tell people. I feel like no one will care. That I’m damaged. That I’ll never forget or move on. I feel paralyzed sometimes. And sometimes I want to deny it. Pretend my childhood was the same as all of my friends. Very few of my friends know about this. I don’t want them to think of me different. To judge me. But I’m scared. And I’m watching my 16 year old brother turn into my father in front of my eyes. I had to call the cops just a few weeks ago when he got so angry he almost hit me, but instead punched through a window and sliced his hand. He has the same rages. They’re few and far between, but I’m so scared. I’ve become afraid of him. He exploded on me verbally recently, and I blacked out. My little brother caused me to have the same fear response as my abusive father. I moved halfway across the country when I was 18 to get away from my father. And now here’s my baby brother, who I’ve always tried to protect the best I could, causing me to end up on the floor sobbing in the bathroom. I honestly thought he was father, my mom had to keep telling me he wasn’t my father.

Everyone says I’m such a strong person. Says I’m so smart, so driven, so blessed. And I know I’m blessed. I know God has given me so many good things. But I would give all the material things back if I could only have a real father. The one that my friends talked about. Who would hug them when their boyfriend broke their heart. Who would wait up for them when they’re on a date in high school, and threaten to kill anyone who hurt them. Who would do everything in their power to protect their little girl. Who would stay up and watch movies on the couch. Who would do anything to keep her safe. And I think he would for the most part. I think he tried to keep me safe from everything, but he just wasn’t willing to protect me from the thing that was hurting me the most - himself. And I sit here bawling my eyes out as I write this, I don’t want to post this. I don’t want anyone to know how pathetic and weak and damaged I am. How broken I am. How hopeless and worthless I feel. But it took me almost 20 years to realize that how I grew up wasn’t normal. That I was victimized by my father. And that I witnessed a marriage full of domestic abuse. And that none of that is normal. That none of that is okay. So if any of you know someone going through this, or if you yourself is going through this, just know you’re not alone. No one should have to go through abuse.

There is so much more I want to say. There is so much more I need to say. But right now I can’t. I hate talking about this at all. So forgive me, but I am trying.

xoxo - J

I Suck

Yes. I Suck. I admit it. And to all you guys who read this, I am very very sorry. I don’t know what my issue has been the past month and a half. I guess between school and life and family drama, I just got caught up. So many things have happened. I definitely can’t explain everything in one post. Especially since I have to leave for class in 45 minutes. And have a test tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Well. Spring Break boy is no longer. I know I have said that before, but this time it actually is true. He is just at a different point in my life than I am. He’s a fun guy. But fun is only one part of the equation. As for everyone else? Kryptonite Man and his girlfriend broke up. So as horrible as it is to say, I am SO happy about that. She was awful. Doctor boy and I don’t really talk anymore, mainly because he’s halfway across the country.

Now, Physics boy. I don’t know if y’all remember him. (Check out bullet 4 in Busy Busy Busy 10/13/12 ) But I’m totally crushing on him. Well I think I am. I don’t even know. But either way. I’m interested in getting to know him more. As of now we just study together, pretty much. But I can’t read him. Which is weird for me. I’m used to being able to read people pretty well. So we’ll see where that go.

I started a new job. Why the old one ended is a long ass story. But I’m super excited. The money is way better, I don’t ever work as late at night, and only have to cocktail once a week. Everyone seems super nice too, which is definitely a plus.

I’m still running a lot. But I can’t seem to keep any weight on. I keep bouncing between 103 ish and 108 ish. And at 5’7”, I probably should have a little more weight on me than that. High metabolism is great until it tries to kill you! Anyone have any recipes that are super high carb/protein that are easy/quick to make? I am in college remember!

Finally. School. So frustrating. I think I’m doing good. As long as I do acceptable on my Genetics final, I should easily get an A in the class. I have a 95% in there. Psych should be an A with no problem. As for Physics, who the hell knows. The curve should be super high, which means I could get an A potentially…. But you never know. Finally, Neuroscience. I am sitting right at a 90% in there. It is seriously the hardest class ever. And she claims she doesn’t curve at all, but I’ve heard from previous students that they see a big grade boost at the end, so maybe she drops a test score or something? That would be awesome, cuz I want an A so bad, and she says she only gives A’s to 93% and higher. Which is ridiculous for how hard that class is. Who knows. Finals are coming up. Which is terrifying. I never have been good at balancing studying for more than one class at a time. Anyone have any advice?

Last but not least, some crazy good news! I got into directed research working with a Genetics professor who is a Yale grad, and also the author of the best selling Genetics textbook in the country! I’m SOOO pumped. A letter of recommendation from him will really help me everywhere! I’m getting nervous for medschool applications. It’s absolutely crazy to me that I’ll be applying in 6 months. Unreal, I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. But first, I have to take an MCAT class next semester. So the real debate is: Kaplan or Princeton. Online or in person? As for the latter, I’m pretty sure im going to do in person, simply because I don’t do as well in online structures. But I really could use some advice for deciding Kaplan or Princeton. Any advice you guys?

I promise to blog again soon!

Xoxo  - J

To Visit or Not To Visit

Alright. So Spring Break Boy drama. Where do I start? The last time I discussed him, we were talking pretty regularly. He was texting me, I was texting him. It was weird. Cuz it was normal. And then I had a wine night with Arizona, and I got WASTED. And by wasted, I mean beyond okay. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and it was just a mess. But I ended up on skype with SB Boy for like 3 or 4 hours, when he had a game the next day. Which is crazy. And I vaguely remember talking to him about his ex, who he dated for like 4 or 5 years. And that they broke up cuz he just couldn’t give her what she wanted, and all that. No big. But that’s all I really remember discussing with him that night. All I know is being really hung over the next day. And waking up and texting him an apology and him going “So should I just ignore all the nice things you said to me?” Which made me worry that I was a little too honest. But I guess I started really analyzing things after that. Because I started to think that I wasn’t really hearing from him, unless I was initiating the conversation. So I just didn’t text him. He favorited some tweets, stuff like that. But I stuck with it, never texted him, and he waited TEN DAYS to finally text me. And let me tell you, I was not very nice when he did. I was pretty cold and blah blah blah. But pretty much straight after texting me he asked if I was planning on going up for his homecoming like I had been planning before. I said I didn’t know, whatever.

We have been back and forth again since then. And he texts me, I text him, whatever. But last weds he got a little tipsy and he said something really sweet, and I went “Sure, I’m sure you tell that to all the girls.” Which is something I definitely have been wondering about. Cuz he is so sweet to me so often. Is he just that way to all girls? Or whats his deal? And he immediately went “Absolutely not (insert full name here). I think you’re a really cool girl. I wish I could spend more time with you, and hopefully I can over winter break when I come home.” So I didn’t respond for quite some time. Cuz I had no idea how to respond. I mean after talking to Arizona she said a) drunk words are sober thoughts, b) sounds like the distance is worrisome to him, c) he obviously is into me. But who the hell knows. And I still don’t know if I should go up there. So that’s my biggest thing right now. Also Thursday night I was again, very drunk, and told him that Arizona thought he was kinda sketchy, which I retracted in the morning, cuz I barely remember what that was about. And he seemed pretty puzzled about it Friday morning. But I’m back to seeing when he texts me again. We’ll see if it’s before Thursday or Friday.

And another thing – If I go visit him, what are his expectations? Cuz God knows I am not having sex with him if he’s sleeping with God only knows how many other girls. I have no problems having a good time, but I just can’t go there, that’s too gross to me. Is he only interested in me cuz it’s a challenge? But why would he still be doing this after 7 months, when he could easily have any girl he wanted up there? And I’ve turned him down multiple times before. Doesn’t seem like a normal MO for a guy.

Do I go or not? What do y’all think? Or should I wait til break when he comes down here?   I have no idea! Now it’s time to stop procrastinating and go study!

Busy Busy Busy

Where do I even begin? There has been way way way too much stuff going on the last month to even begin to describe. So I’m gunna shorthand everything. And then if you wanna know more, comment, and I’ll blog specifically about that! So here we go!

1.     My mom and little brother, E, moved up! So I get to see me fam on a regular basis now! Which is pretty much the best thing ever.

2.     I did okay on my first physics exam. And okay on my first NSCI exam. Definitely need to step it up though.

3.     Lots and LOTS of work drama. I’m very frustrated.

4.     I have a freaking ADORABLE guy in my new physics group. We’ll call him physics boy. He also lives in my building, which is awesome.

5.     Holy drama with SB boy. We were hard core talking for a while. Including a 3 and a half hour skype session while I was drunk and he was sober. But then I decided I really wanted him to put forth the effort. And I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. Like, sorry what? But now we’re back to talking again. But part of me thinks that’s cuz he wants me to come visit him next weekend. And I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not.  I really can’t sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people. I’m not that type of girl and I think it’s gross. But I called him out on the fact that I feel like he probably talks to a lot of girls like he talks to me, cuz hes so complimentary and sweet all the time. And his response was “No I don’t J, I think you’re a really cool girl and I really wish I could spend more time with you. Maybe over Winter break.” And he was drunk. So I really don’t know.

6.     I was so sick for like 2 weeks. And lost so much weight. I kinda look gross now.

7.     I am training for a 5K. Which normally wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except that my doctors told me my knees could never withstand running. But I’ve missed it so much, and am loving it.

8.     My best friend, Arizona, introduced me to one of her friends, we’ll call him the mutual friend. He. Is. Gorgeous. And super sweet. And I’ve only hung out with him really once, in our group. But he’s adorable. And there’s definitely flock member potential.

9.     My good friend at work is known by a lot of people as my twin. We look alike, are both going to med school, and both ride horses. And have the same personality, etc. Well her cousin is a freshman (but 20) at my school, on the hockey team. And last spring she was talking about trying to hook me up with him. Well I met his parents, her aunt and uncle, tonight. And they talked to me for five minutes and immediately went “You need to meet our son.” So apparently that actually has to happen now. But I don’t think anything could come of it, cuz he’s a hockey player. And God knows they’re so gross.

So that’s the shortened version of everything I can think of right now. I really don’t know if I shoul

Being A Typical Girl

Jeeze, I mean, I woke up the morning after my last blog post, reread it and reread my conversation with SB boy and felt like a moron. I think I am LOOKING for reasons to push him away, or cast him aside. So I’m gunna restate what that conversation the other night was really like. He was sober. The entire time. He actually told me when he was going to start drinking, and it was way after all of the comments about me going to visit him, and him coming to visit me, and wanting to spend time with me and this that and the other. So I kinda felt like an idiot. I mean that doesn’t end the whole, me not knowing what I want, thing, and the whole, me not wanting to sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people, thing. And also, other than the 15-20 minutes after his game on Friday, we really haven’t spent much time together sober. Which I brought up to him the other night. But that leads me to another story.

Last May when he came down to visit me, we took a goofy picture while we were drunkenly waiting for his friend, that had me making an outrageous “oh my gosh look who I found!” face and him kissing my cheek. Super cute. But one of his teammates posted on it saying “I think maybe *insert another spring break member/sb boys roommate here* ‘s song is now your song.” To which he replied “haha no way man” and I was curious, but didn’t really think much about it. Well last night I got a comment on a picture we took Friday night, and it was from the same teammate saying “Hey *SB boy* I am listening to Spring Break Up right now!” and SB Boy liked it. So I of course was like, wait wtf?! Cuz, if you know the lyrics to that song, it is kinda weird. And totally doesn’t describe our situation at all. But I ignored it until we were randomly on at the same time, and then I just was like “hahaha spring break up huh?!” and he laughed and immediately explained that they had given that song to their roommate because he had been obsessed with my friend, Callie… like creepily obsessed, and she was just interested in a spring break fling. So he explained that and then said that he guessed his teammate was trying to peg that on him.

So then my question is… what? How do his teammates know that much about us? Blah. But while we were talking I joked about us being drunk asses whenever we were around each other, and he promptly said that we should change that very soon and go to dinner as ‘sober members of society’. So what do y’all think, do I give him a chance? Or just toss him aside?

And on the other hand there is the coworker who is into me. And very cute. But I don’t know how I feel about the whole going on a date with a coworker thing. Anyone have any experience about that? What do y’all think??

I Don't Know What I Want

It takes a lot for me to stress out about a boy. And I do mean a lot. But I’m there. It may be because I haven’t had my depo shot and I’m all weirdly pms-y and stuff, but I sure am not a happy camper right now. It has to do with Spring Break Boy and me being an anti-commitment, anti-attached kind of person. I guess I need to start at the beginning.

I met Spring Break boy on spring break (go figure), when me and my friends Izzie, Callie and Lexie, went to Florida. I ran into SB boy’s friend/teammate in a store while I was waiting for my friends. He was wearing a college tshirt that hinted that he was from close to our school. And he was. Like 2 and a half hours north. SB boy came down the stairs a few minutes later with a few of his other friends. There were 5 total. I totally was all about SB boy from the moment I saw him. I mean, he’s just gorgeous and totally my type, 6’3” of muscle, and big brown eyes. Just gorgeous. Once Lexie, Izzie, and Callie got to the store we stood around chatting with them, and SB boy actually exchanged numbers with Izzie. Which I was completely jealous of, and Callie exchanged with one of SB boys friends.

So whatever happened, and we ended up meeting up with them the next night, and going to their condo they were renting for the week. We just drank and played drinking games and all that. Me and SB boy were very flirty, and it became obvious he was interested in me, and one of his friends was interested in Izzie. As we were playing, the “never have I ever” portion of the game came up, and in that I learned that he had had a threesome. Which was something I was totally not expecting. To me, that’s not attractive. But regardless, we got drunk and made out in the hot tub. And in the shower. But we never did anything but make out. And this happened pretty much every night of the week. And one night we went to a bar, and we were brats and made each other jealous all night, typical immature BS. But once we got over it we were back to the fun normal stuff. Well spring break ended, and that was that. We still talked a good bit though. Flirty, all the time, etc.

Well after finals, he came down to visit. So that night we went out to the bars, and neither of us drank much, but we had a good time. He got jealous/protective when someone else hit on me, and all that. We pretty much acted like a couple. Which is really, really weird for me. He got to meet Arizona, and a few of my coworkers, and they all LOVED him. He ended up spending the night, and we pretty much did everything BUT have sex. I’m just not the type of person who can do the one night stand type deal. And that’s what it felt like. But I really, really, really wanted to. If you know what I mean.

I left for home the next day, and we talked on and off all summer, always flirty and stuff. And he would tweet random things at me that let me know he was tweeting at me, like during the Olympics. Well, he had a game in town this past Friday night, and I went to it, because he asked me too. And dear God, that boy in football pants? Holy bajeesus. But after the game, I went out on the field. His family was there, so I went and talked to another mutual friend for a while, before he came over. We hugged and the pictures are freaking adorable. The kid makes me smile like a mad woman. But then he had to leave to go back to school, and we texted all night.

He talked about me coming up, and then coming down to visit me once football is over and all that. But eventually he was saying it while drunk, and I didn’t know if it was just drunk words, or if its more of the drunk mind=sober thoughts thing. Who knows. But I do know I got way too drunk, ended up seeing the guy I met at the bookstore last week, and hanging out with him all night. He didn’t leave my apartment til like 5 am. But SB boy was texting me while he was here, and one text I got was “I love me some insert my full name here” at like 4 am. Like, I know he was wasted. But like, ugh, no.

So pretty much I don’t know how to take it all. I don’t want a relationship with him, I don’t like the commitment and stuff. But I also don’t want to be sleeping with him, and him be sleeping with other people. Make sense? So pretty much I want the best of both worlds, without sacrificing my views. What do y’all think I should do? So conflicted. I don’t even know what I really want. Or what I should do. Should I just ignore him until he comes down here? Or should I go visit? Help!

Semester From Hell

Semester from hell is the understatement. I mean, two weeks in and I already am sick. And by sick I mean like, threw up multiple times this morning. And I don’t throw up. I can literally count on two hands how many times I’ve thrown up when I was sick. Between not sleeping enough and not eating enough, and running myself ragged with homework, my team, and other things, what could I really expect though? At least it gives me some time to sleep and rest and catch up on stuff though.

So this Semester I’m taking a 4000 level genetics class, a 3000 level cellular based neuroscience class, an intro to physics class, and an intro to psychology class. Obviously psych is a joke, but I have to read the book, which is a lot of boring reading, and listen to online lectures, which are stupid and time consuming. I know there are a LOT of psych majors out there, but no offense, it ain’t my thing, and I really just think it’s kind of stupid. Now abnormal psych? That’s my shit. But this stupid other stuff? No thanks. Now physics may be an intro class, but seriously? That class scares the bajeemies out of me. I hate it. Ahhhh! But my professor is really good, and oddly enough pretty good looking too. Can’t hate that, right? We’ve gone through chapter 1 and 2, and they were easy enough I guess, I just have this problem with over thinking stuff if I think it’s too easy… whoops. So any physics majors/engineering majors out there, hollaaaa! I was actually in the TA tutoring room just making sure I did my homework right, and one of the TA’s (not my TA) is really cute.. may have to stop by there more often ;) Now as for my neuroscience class, I took it because I thought it would be an easy one. Well I got two of them mixed up, and of course I’m taking the hardest neuroscience class offered. Whoops. It’s definitely tough. But I’m working my butt off. I got a 100% on the first quiz. Granted, the first quiz was online and open book. But whatever. I have my first “assignment” today, on membrane and action potentials, etc etc. See how that goes. And last but not least is Genetics. I got into the class with the best professor. He’s really awesome, I had him for one of my intro to bio classes, and he’s awesome. He wrote the book we use. It doesn’t seem like too hard of a class yet. But who knows. We have a short quiz every Monday, and a longer/harder quiz every Wednesday. And those are only two classes of the week. So we’re kind of forced to stay caught up. Which is good. But we have no exams until the final in December. Which is really scary!

So you can see how I’ve been super busy. Add in tryouts for my team (which I made of course), and trying to stay working out and stuff, and my social life goes down the drain. I did manage to go out last Saturday. Saw the Cheater, it was kind of funny, he was with his fuck buddy and looked miserable. Sucks to suck, dude.

As for new cute guys, I met a guy in the elevator in my building this past Wednesday, and was like, oh holy crap. He’s an athlete (which sucks, but whatever), was super tall, and totally my type. He is also my friends roommate. But said friend (also an athlete), has started acting like he’s “too good” for his friends from freshman/sophomore year lately. So we’ll see what happens when he gets his head on straight. Maybe he has a girlfriend or something. But they live the floor below me, so I totally am constantly plotting. He also knows my teammate, so I’ve been getting info from her. Yes, I’m a major creep, sue me. But I’m gunna try and take a nap now. My stomach is killing me. Yuck.

Hockey Boys and Bastard Boy

Well, lets just say that since I got off the plane on Thursday, it has been quite eventful. Lexie was kind enough to pick me up from the airport, and we immediately went to get some food at the bar I work at, Reilly’s, and then frozen yogurt. After that we went to go meet my brother’s host family, which is about 15 minutes from my campus, which is super nice, ‘cuz I’ll be able to see him a decent amount. Afterwards we picked up Izzie, and then we started drinking – of course. We had run into a few of the guys who played hockey at my school, and they had invited us to  their sophomore’s house that night for a shindig. 

So we drank sweet tea vodka and lemonade until 11:15, and then made the block trek over to the guys house. Now Izzie and Lexie were definitely a little bit more drunk than I was. But I was drunk enough that my southern accent came out. And God knows how annoying that is. I met a cute boy pretty quickly. We flirted, and eventually Izzie and Lex came over to chat. The four of us chatted quite a bit until I noticed Lex tense up with her eyes fixed over my shoulder. And when I turned around it was, of course, The Cheater. Well his teammate came over and gave me a hug and stood and talked to me. But I ignored the cheater. He had this look on his face that was half miserable, half pleading puppy dog eyes. But I only glanced once or twice to make sure I could venture away from my friends.

He eventually left. I saw another one of his teammates who again was all “ahh! I love you! We miss you!” etc. etc. It sucked to be thrown back into seeing him and everything that reminds me of him. But it’s part of life I guess. I think around school there will always be things that remind me of him. People especially. I mean we have so many mutual friends that it’s hard to avoid him.

But what isn’t hard is that I want nothing to do with him. It’s plainly obvious. Yet last night he felt the need to text me. “Look I know I hurt you really badly. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help.” Like what in the fuck! And it was at like 1:30 am, so you know it was a sad attempt to just talk to me. He’s made it blatantly obvious over the last few years that he doesn’t give two shits about me. It just makes me mad. I probably should have made some smart ass remark in response, but I didn’t. I deleted his message, and since I don’t have his number, that means no response. But my idea is that if I see him I’ll give him that smart-ass answer. What do y’all think I should say? Cuz I know he’ll try to come up and talk to me next time. He’s done it multiple times before – so give me some ideas!

Now back to Thursday night. After the party died down we stayed with the cute hockey boy playing beer pong until like 2 am. He eventually started drinking a decent amount and then got really handsy and clingy. I mean, he was never overly so, but definitely didn’t act like he HAD A GIRLFRIEND!!! Which, I now know he did! Absolutely amazes me that guys can act that way. So after I found this out, another guy came over and started hitting on us. He claimed to be a pro hockey player (AHL), and tried to keep using it to his advantage. Which didn’t work. But I was kind of relieved when him and his friend walked with us to a great little pizza joint a few blocks away. I never like walking around campus with just girls. But after we left there he got really, really touchy and like, obnoxious. And then tried to follow us into Lex’s house! It was absolutely ridiculous! Like, no one invited you in! And then he turned into a royal ass hole when we were like “um, goodbye!” Stupid freaking boys. It’s all their fault…boys and their stupid boy penises!!!

I Guess It's Inevitable

I guess it’s inevitable that I’m going to see The Cheater again. As I am sitting here on my flight back to school, it’s dawning on me that I’m going to see him again. And that is where you input a 5 year old voice squealing “But I don’t wanna!” I haven’t spoken to him since the beginning of summer break, when he sent me a text with a picture of a Spanish cathedral to which I replied “Why are you texting me? Don’t text me. This is my * The Cheater * free zone.” And I haven’t heard from him since then. It has been a long road trying to get over him. It’s like he is everywhere when I’m on campus. I found out around the 4^th of July last year that he had been having a relationship with another girl since mid march. He had been having sex with another girl (who ended up being a treacherous whore who knew he had a girlfriend the whole time) for almost 5 months. He started having sex with her BEFORE he convinced me to sleep with him… to lose my virginity to him! I had gone through so much with him. He really was the first man that I trusted completely. And I did love him. But I think it was a forced love. I think that I was homesick when I met him, being a freshman half way across the country from my family and friends, so when we started dating he became my comfort blanket. Not exactly a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Now after I found out he had been cheating on me, I looked back and saw all the red flags. Realized that I had been being stupid. It was a tough lesson. It hurt like all hell. But I learned from it.

I really thought I was over it two months later when I moved back to school. But I was living in the dorm building next to his apartments. And I was working at the biggest bar on campus. And he was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And I would get drunk, and see him, and lose my head. I’m so embarrassed now as I look back at the way I acted the first month or so when I got back. I dated guys, led guys on, who I never had real interest in. Even months later when I really was interested in a guy, who was by all means an amazing man, I couldn’t do a relationship. And that’s when I realized I’m just not made for relationships. I don’t trust any men. Now, I trust my best friend of 10 years, but that’s in a completely different context than in a relationship manner. I just don’t think trusting a guy is worth it. I have yet to meet a guy who turns me on. And by turns me on, I don’t just mean physically, because while that’s very, very, very important – I really do value being attracted to a man’s intellect and heart. It’s one thing to spend a night making out with a guy like 15 year olds, and another to be in a relationship. That’s not what a relationship can be built on.

This summer I haven’t thought about The Cheater much at all. I know he’s dating some girl. I know he cheated on her, and she took him back. I also know who the girl is, and have heard she’s a jersey girl, who is only interested in him because of  his “D1 athlete” standing. And as much as I wanna be like “well sucks to be used, dude” I can’t be. Because I really loved him. And as stupid as it is, I don’t want him to be hurt. Even though he completely annihilated me. Talk about self destructive. But I have vowed to myself that I will not, under any circumstances seek him out to talk, hang out, or whatever. And if I do happen to see him out and it cant be avoided  (we do have sooo many mutual friends), I will be coolly polite, and take the high road. But just thinking about seeing him, seeing him at all, gives me this huge pit in my stomach. It’s been over a year since this all went down, why do I feel so sick when I think of him? I have all of these gorgeous, smart, amazing guys vying for my attention, and yet I still feel sick when I think about The Cheater. It sucks! And the worst part is, it’s been a year and two months, and I don’t know when it will stop. I hate feeling weak like this. I hate that I gave him that kind of control over me. How stupid can I get? Never again will I give a man that kind of power over me. Never again will I date a guy who makes me an option, and only is there when he needs something from me. It was so obvious what he was doing, and yet I didn’t see it until the very end. And the thing that hurts the most? I waited so long. I wanted to make sure I lost my virginity to a guy who loved me and I loved and blah blah blah. I wanted to make sure I felt safe.  Because I was molested as a 6 year old. It gave me this residual fear of being intimate with men. And its something I am so ashamed of, even to this day. But I trusted him. I let him in, let him see how scared I was, and he used me. And treated me like I was expendable.   It just blows my mind that someone could be that cruel – especially someone who claimed to love me as much as he said he did.

As you can tell I still have so many untapped feelings about this. But really? I did love him. And even if he didn’t love me, I loved him. And so I guess losing my virginity to him wasn’t 100% bad. Because I did nothing wrong. I did what I thought was right. How could I know at that time that he was a pathological liar? I mean, maybe I should have seen it with all the red flags. But… UGH! It’s just such a stupid thing. I will never, ever cheat. Because I just couldn’t put anyone through what I went through. And still go through. But when I think about seeing him again… part of me wants to kick him in the balls… part of me wants to flip my hair, look outrageously gorgeous, and be flirting with an equally gorgeous guy… and part of me wants to run away and never come back. Talk about mixed emotions. But I guess it’s inevitable. And even if there is no equally gorgeous guy, I’m going to make sure that bastard sees me having a great time and loving life! Because that’s the best thing to do, right?

Back To School!

Back to school, back to school, to prove to mom I’m not a fool! Ahhh! I can’t wait. I ended up getting A’s in both my summer classes, which boosted my GPA a little. Still have some work to do after messing up my freshman year, but I’m well on my way! Well, where do I start about how I feel about moving back to my University? Well first off, I’m moving into an AMAZING apartment. I’m super stoked. It’s literally right across the street from campus, and I have my own bedroom and bathroom! My roommate, we’ll call her Miranda, seems to be really nice. We aren’t super close, but she was on my team freshman year, and she rides horses. She’s also pre-vet, so she gets the whole study constantly thing. Hopefully we end up getting along really well. She seems like the type of girl I could get along with, anyways.

I think one of the best parts of going back is being reunited with my girls. I have a solid group of girls who I met freshman year in the dorms. We shall call them Izzie, Callie, and Lexie. They’re the girls who went with me on Spring Break this past year, which is coincidently where I met Spring Break Boy (go figure). But about these girls. Izzie is by far my closest of them. We became really good friends around winter finals of freshman year. She’s also premed, though she wants to be an anesthesiologist. She is sooo smart, but she’s such an airhead - definitely the type of girl to make you laugh your ass off all the time. She also gives great advice and is someone I can actually talk to. Lexie I have been friends with pretty much since day one. I love her to death. She’s the only one in our little group who is not a science nerd. She’s all communication/journalism and shit. Sometimes I think she feels a little left out, but what can ya do? Everyone has their interests. The biggest thing about her that bugs me is her is that sometimes she goes giggly 13 year old girl on us. And I’m just not that type. Izzie will join in sometimes too, which just really goads me. I don’t like pretending I’m an ignorant, immature preteen. It’s just not my thing. But 99% of the time Lexie isn’t like that. She’s great, and another person I can talk to. Callie is amazing. She’s super smart too, and athletic, and we get along all the time. She’s pre-pharmacy, so she studies her ass off too. I’ve known her since freshman year as well, but we didn’t really start hanging out until this past year.

The last really close girlfriend I have is a teammate of mine who I have mentioned before, we’ll call her Arizona. She doesn’t really hang out with Izzie, Callie, Lexie and I, but I definitely spend a lot of time with her. She’s a teammate of mine, so we definitely are together a lot. Plus she’s over 21, so she can go to the bars with me, which the other girls cant!

Now as for fall semester, I’m super nervous. My class schedule is all dorked up. I have conflicting classes, because I’m trying to get into the Genetics class with the best professor, and the physics class with the better one, and still take my pharmacology class. It’s absolutely impossible. I’m thinking I’m going to have to drop my pharmacology class, and then get a permission number for the better physics professor, and then the better Genetics professor just told me to show up on the first day of class and he would try and get me in. I am SO excited about that class. I absolutely love genetics – and he teaches it in a discussion based way instead of  in a lecture mode.  Way better in my ADHD mind.

Lastly, I finally have to meet with the modeling agency that has been hounding me all summer. I had sent in pictures to them on a whim back in May, and they almost immediately emailed/called me to try and get me to come in to talk about representation. But I had to come home for the summer. So now comes the time that I have to go talk to them. And I’m nervous. I by no means think I’m pretty enough to model, but apparently they think I am. Guess we’ll find out soon. Oh and I have more to tell y’all about all the men in my life. I guess that’s for another entry though!

Doctor Boy

I suck. I know. I was contemplating redoing this blog and making it public. But then I realized I would hate that, and wouldn’t be able to be so honest with y’all. So I’m staying anonymous. And I’ll catch you up on the past month as we go. But right now most of y’all, according to twitter, want to know the story behind Doctor Boy. So here goes!

I met Doctor Boy the summer after my junior year in high school. I was convinced I was going to Duke University, and he was still picking which baseball scholarship he was going to take. I was attracted to him instantly because he had this very emotionless façade, and these stunning eyes – like pierce through your soul kind of eyes. Absolutely beautiful. We were at this leadership convention in Arkansas, and it was tiny and Christian based, and honestly, I had expected it to be an absolutely miserable experience. But it wasn’t, I had the time of my life, and met some of the most amazing people I had ever met before. At this point in my life, I was still on and off with HS Sweetheart, and so I really didn’t think of Doctor Boy as anything more than just a good looking friend. He had been dating his girlfriend for quite a few years, and we just got along as friends well enough to keep in touch. We had some great talks during the week we were at the forum. I learned that he also wanted to be a doctor, and that he shared a lot of the same values I did. I also learned that he was incredibly intelligent – and for a girl who had yet to meet a guy who was on her level of smarts, it was a very nice first for me! We kept in touch for a few months. Found out where we each chose to go for college. All that. But it eventually just turned into me seeing him on my facebook timeline from time to time, and not really thinking about it.

Then at the beginning of this summer, he followed me on twitter, and we just began to chat idly, he commented on a picture of us and another friend from my facebook about getting together for a reunion. We eventually swapped phone numbers and began to talk a lot. I learned that him and his (now ex) girlfriend of 5 years had broken up around april or may, though he didn’t go into much detail, and that he still planned on becoming a doctor. We were very flirty, and it was great. And finally I just invited him down to visit me, since he went to school about 4 hours away from my hometown.

Well last weekend he made the drive down Friday after he got out of classes. It was kind of awkward at first. But it got less awkward when he gave me a hug and looked down at me and went “Man you really haven’t grown at all since the trip!” in that adorable, deep southern accent that you can only get out of a true southern farm boy. We fell into an easy rhythm pretty quick. Unlike me, he had grown a good 3 or 4 inches since the trip, and now stood easily over 6 foot, a definite positive in my mind – height is one of my non negotiables, or “hard limits” for all of you 50 shades fans.

I helped my mom make salmon and mango salsa, and to be honest, I really am quite inept when it comes to cooking, except for a few other things, so of course both Doctor Boy and my mom gave me a hard time about that. My mom’s best friend was also over, she was spending the night that night to help mom pack and what not. We all started drinking after dinner, white wine for me, an IPA for Doctor boy, and coconut rum/pineapple for my ma and her friend. House was kind of our show of choice as we relaxed that night. It was kinda awkward at first, cuz we had only ever been friends, but we knew we were attracted to each other – and its always one thing if you start things out as more than friends, but when you move from friends to more there is always that little awkward stage. So we sat there drinking, him on one couch, me on the other, waiting til midnight so we could go get the hunger games. Eventually he came over and sat on my couch so my Mom and her friend could sit on the couch he was sitting on. He grabbed my hand, and it was super cute, but with mom being there, and all that, it was just kind of awkward. It’s times like this where I really can’t wait to be living in my own apartment again!

My 16 year old bro, M, drove us to Walmart to go get the movie at midnight, and I have to say, I definitely geeked out a little bit. I absolutely love the Hunger Games series. And Doctor Boy hadn’t even seen the movie yet! So we walked through walmart all couple like and cutesy, bought our movies and headed home. My mom and her friend only made it like 20 minutes into the movie before they fell asleep, so me and Doctor Boy finally got to cuddle up on the couch. And I think that’s when it hit me how freaking adorable this kid is. Not only is he good looking, and super intelligent, he just is a sweetheart. He gives off this unemotional, stoic façade, but once he lets you past that he’s super open and adorable. Which I can’t say as much for myself. I found myself wanting to open up to him multiple times that night, and the next night, and just wasn’t able to do it. So we cuddled, and he kissed my cheek, and we watched the hunger games. And eventually I turned around to say something, and he kissed me. So obviously we were up until 4 am making out on the couch like teenagers. It was a blast.

The next day we went to the beach, got burned like idiots, went to lunch, and then came home and showered and went to play putt putt… in the thunder and lightning of course. But it was a blast. I learned I absolutely suck at putting, but I can hit the ball pretty dang far! And then we went home and had a night similar to the night before. It was a lot of fun, and relaxing. And I hated that he had to go the next day. But he did. He left around noon. It was sad. But such is life. I know I wont see him again for God only knows how long. But it’s alright. I knew that going into the weekend. I think he maybe thought more of it than I did? But that’s not a new thing. He had made sly cracks about long term that I don’t think he knew I got, cuz I kind of ignored them. But in reality, if there was a type that I’d go for long term, he would be it. I mean, how can you go wrong with an absolutely gorgeous, super smart, future doctor? Oh, and he has a southern accent. Love it!

Names Names Names

So I entitled this blog entry “Names”. Why? Because well, lets be real, peoples names are important. When I hear a guys names, there are certain names I hear that I immediately go “well they have to be sexy with that name” or “ew, they’re going to be an asshole.” Now do I really judge a person based on a name? No! But I mean, it does give me some kind of feel. Like the name Chris? I hate it. I feel like they’re going to be a complete asshole. The name Cameron? Sexy FOR sure. So I posed a question on my twitter (@_SingleGirlSwag) to find out who you guys thought were the sexiest names. And I entered two myself (but I will obviously be keeping those secret). Some I thought were good entries, some I thought were weird. So here is my comments on the names entered so far (and the votes as of 1:56 pm central time).

1.     Josh (5): I mean. I like this name. It’s alright. It doesn’t spur any “oh he’s going to be sexy” in my mind. I actually assume this guy is going to be young. But it isn’t a name I would avoid. I know one very sexy josh.

2.     Isaac (2): This is definitely one of my favorites on the list. I love this name. Maybe because of Isaac Newton (yes we all know I’m a nerd). It just screams smart and sexy. I would definitely be fine dating an Isaac. I can just picture a hulking hottie with glasses on laying in my bed…. Wooooh. I’m surprised it only has 2 votes!

3.     Landon (14): Alright, who DOESN’T think this is a sexy ass name? I mean, I automatically think of Landon Carter from A Walk To Remember, and everyone knows he was sexy and sweet and smart and… okay I have to stop, I’m starting to sweat….

4.     Dominic (1): Meh, this one doesn’t do anything for me. At all.

5.     Sebastian (3): Maybe I’m immature, but it reminds me of the crab from The Little Mermaid. No thanks.

6.     Rollins (3): Kinda reminds me of a last name, more than a first name. I mean, I could deal with it. I would expect him to be rich and classy, obviously

7.     Carter (5): I like this one. I knew a Carter when I was young who was really cute. I mean, It’s kinda a neutral name for me.

8.     Maison (4): I’ve never seen Maison spelled this way, I’ve only ever seen it spelled Mason, which I LOVE. Totally a sexy name in my mind. I knew a Mason as a kid who looked like Ashton Kutcher… They also said we looked like brother and sister.. does that mean I look like ashton kutcher?! AHHHH!

9.      Ty/Tyler (11): Another top one. I like it. I like Tyler more than Ty. I knew a Tyrus in high school who went by Ty, and he was white. And it just didn’t add up in my mind. But I definitely like Tyler. Super cute.

10. Johnny (2): Definitely not for me. I know the person who entered it was thinking Johnny Depp, but still. No thanks!

11. James (7): I do love James. Who doesn’t? I also think of James Potter… whoops.

12. Ryan (9): I always liked Ryan, until I met one who didn’t impress me. I know I shouldn’t judge all names by one person, but ugh. He kinda ruined it for me.

13. Jake (10): I like the name Jake, but I have a brother like figure named Jake, so I don’t think I could date a Jake.

14. Topher (1): Reminds me of the name Chris, so that’s a no.

15. Aiden (4): Other than the awful use of this name in the Ring, I love it. I have always loved it.

16. Austin (5): Great name. I love this one. Always have.

17. Wes (3): This name just screams sex to me. But only shortened. Wesley doesn’t do anything for me. But wes? I picture a tall, muscley, football player…. Yum.

18. Sean (1): I can’t believe this one has only one vote, especially after this last season of the Bachelorette, and the sexiness that was Sean.

19. Tanner (7): I have mixed feelings on this one. I feel like it should be a bulky, sexy guy, but the only Tanner I’ve ever known was skinny, and not cute at all. Go figure.

20. Cole (3): I like this one. Have never met one. But it does kind of remind me of the guy on mighty ducks who was on the bad team? But he was hot…

21. Drew (2): No thanks. Not my thing. Could be, maybe. But he’d have to be perfect.

22. Nate (5): Another one I am surprised only has 5 votes. I love love love the name Nathan/Nate. So hot. Just screams it.

23. Dante (1): Nope. This is a wtf name for me. Just no.

24. Damien (3): You better be a tall glass of hot chocolate to be named Damien. It has the potential for maaaajor sex appeal. But you better be about 6’4”, perfect milk chocolate skin, muscles everywhere, and have a Harvard law degree to make it work.

25. Aaron (3): I feel like this name went out back in the 90’s?

26. Alex (4): I like this name more for a girl than a guy…

27. Channing (7): Channing Tatum, Magic Mike….’nuff said!

28. Kyle (2): I like Kyle. I think Kyle deserves more than 2 votes!

So those are the names that have been entered so far. But I have to say. We are missing some really good ones! Like Michael, Matthew, Cameron, Eric, Derrick, Adrian, Gavin, Justin, Kayden, Nick, Spencer… Come on people! What do y’all think, are the sexiest 10 names in this list we have up there? I think we’re definitely missing some really good ones! If you want to submit or vote, comment here, email me, or go on twitter (@_SingleGirlSwag) and tweet at me! I will be publishing a top 10, top 5, and number one list over the next week or two! I obviously shouldn’t be doing this, I should be doing my research project…whoops! 

Part 2/2 - Love Life Update

Alright, the one that most of you have been waiting for. I know it will probably disappoint, sorry if it does!

Okay, so Marine Man was the issue I left off with last, correct? Well. I wasn’t able to hang out with him Tuesday or Wednesday because of work and studying. But, Thursday rolled around, and he called me right before work, and he had been chained, or whatever, so he had to leave for his new base that night. I was pretty sad. Not going to lie. He repeatedly asked me if I could just go with him. But obviously that just wasn’t happening. We texted a bit that night. He was cute, blah blah blah, and I tried to call him when I got off with no answer. It was a little strange. But get this I HAVENT HEARD FROM HIM SINCE THEN!!! Like what in the actual fuck? I even texted him a few days later just to be polite and make sure he got there okay. And no answer. Like, um, rude! Now I’m totally fine with it, cuz where would it have gone, anyways?

I met my cousins live in boyfriend for the first time that Sunday (the 15^th), he was cute, but definitely not the Greek God she had been describing him as. But I did overhear them talking about how they had “let themselves go” since they had been dating (about 2 years now), and it grossed me out. Like, you’re 25 years old! And you’re letting yourself go? I’m sorry, but no. I just think that’s stupid. Absolutely stupid. Granted I look the way I look naturally, and because I am a busy bee, but still, I do it for me, and I will NEVER “let myself go” because of some guy, and I hope to God a guy I’m with wouldn’t do it because of me.

In the OR for the first time I met a scrub tech, and he was super nice, maybe even cute, but he was obviously wearing a mask the whole time. I don’t think he’s summer fling material, but he’s super nice, and definitely friend material!

All week I was kind of busy. I have started bonding with another server at work, whose in nursing school, because we have the same kind of schedule and demands. I am not one of those future doctors who looks down on nurses. I respect them. They do stuff that I definitely wouldn’t ever want to do. And as a doctor in army wives said “Good doctors learn to recognize good nurses and use them as a resource.” But he’s definitely really cute, and we chat a lot when we work together.

Sunday was my friends going away party for medical school. I drank too much, his dad said something about my dad, and made me super super upset, go figure. There was also a guy there who was flirting with me the whole time. He was really cute, just too short for my likings. But when I woke up the next morning before the OR I had a message on my facebook that said “You’re the first girl who legitimately looks better in person than in your facebook pictures.” I was like, awwww.

But I also felt like shit, made myself throw up, took some Excedrin migraine, five hour energy, and coffee, all before being in the OR at 730. Rough morning… oh! And I somehow chipped my tooth (really tinily) on the five hour energy bottle. Go fucking figure. But that’s what I get for drinking too much, and letting an ignorant man upset me.

Tuesday night, like I said, I worked, made some money, chatted with Nurse Boy, and then got super sick. So all I did yesterday was lay in bed. Same today, except now I’m trying to study, since I have a pharmacotherapy test tomorrow.

But on the side, I did reconnect with a guy I was friends with back in high school, we’ll all him Mr. Blue Eyes. We met at a leadership seminar in Arkansas, and he’s from Alabama. I always thought he was cute, he has the most amazing blue eyes- hence the name - but he had a long term girlfriend (who he just broke up with). He’s also pre med, and is outrageously smart. We talk a lot now, via text, since we have so much in common. I don’t know if he is coming down to visit or not. But I definitely wouldn’t be against it!

Finally, I still talk to Canadian Boy all the time. We flirt. All the time. And he’s perfect. And we should have babies. And that is all.

Sorry my love life is kind of boring. Is there anything y’all need me to clear up? or anybody I need to talk more about?!  I haven’t been focusing too much on boys lately with everything else going on! Comment about anything! Y’all know the drill!

Part 1/2, The Medical Update

So I suck. I know you must all hate me. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve just been so busy and therefore exhausted, that I haven’t had the time or the energy to blog. I really do apologize. I’m going to separate this into two updates. One for a social life update. One for a work/medical update. This is the latter.

That Monday (the 16^th) was my first day in the operating room observing Dr. H. It was the MOST AMAZING THING EVER. I was born to be a surgeon. I just can’t even explain it. It’s so amazing. I was so blessed. I got to see 8 surgeries. The first was a Left femoral exposure with superficial femoral artery atherectomy/PTA/Stent, but I wasn’t very confident, so I rally didn’t get to see much. The second was a minor procedure that they had to do in the hospital because of insurance, but it was just a L greater saphenous vein ablasion. The third one was the one that really got me. It was just a left femoral popliteal bypass revision. But Dr. H called me over and let me really look at the femoral artery. And I could see it beating, and it is so much bigger than you would expect. And I think that’s the moment I fell in love. I just can’t even explain it. Then we saw a Right Carotid endarterectomy, which was crazy. Dr. H cut open a guys carotid artery, and cleaned it out, and patched it up. Like AMAZING. You think of a carotid artery getting cut open and you think death, but there was any blood, AT ALL. The next case was an emergency case on an old lady with blood clots in her leg ( L femoral thrombectomy), again really cool. Then was the longest and coolest of the day. An Abdominal Aortal bifemoral bypass. Literally pulled this ladies guts out, cut out a piece of her aorta, and attached it to a tube, and then attached the tube to both of her femoral arteries. So cool. We then saw two femoral endarterectomies, one of them with an iliac stent. Just amazing. Last Dr. H had to clean up some dude’s nasty toe. It was gross. Infected and stuff. We didn’t leave the operating room until like 830, and we had been there since 7:30 that morning. I don’t think I’ve ever stood still for so long in my life. It was so fascinating. Dr. H told me I could go home around 6 pm (after the bypass), but I didn’t want to leave until he did, I felt like that wasn’t cool. So I waited, and went to go visit all the patients after his last surgery with him. It was amazing. I seriously seriously loved it all.

I didn’t go back to the hospital until Wednesday, which is when I learned about our research I was going to be doing. Data collection. Super boring, and a LOT TO DO, but I will get my name in two papers, so I definitely cant complain. And that’s what I did wed-fri. All day. Everyday.

That Monday (the 23^rd) I got to meet one of Dr. H’s new partners, Dr. M. Dr.M is straight out of her fellowship and is a FEMALE surgeon. Dr. H said he hired her just so I would have someone to look up to J I love talking to female surgeons! And she’s only like 32 so she’s a lot easier to relate to then the 50 some odd year old surgeons in Dr. H’s practice!

 This Monday I go to see two Abdominal Aorta Aneurism endovascular repairs. Which are legit like playing video games. So cool. And then another carotid endarterectomy, another abdominal aortal bifermoral bypass, and a new one in a femoral-anterial tibeal bypass. Which was super cool too. But the big news this Monday was that I met another one of Dr. H’s partners, Dr. K, and he asked me to write an abstract and present it on his new method to a procedure, of which he is the only surgeon in the country to do! I’m super excited! I then got to see him perform that surgery (Cryovein for DRIL), and then an above the knee amputation. Super cool. Its always interesting to see the differences between surgeons. I’ve now gotten to see Dr. H, Dr. M, and Dr. K perform surgeries, although I haven’t seen Dr. M do one by herself yet, since she’s new. It was a LONG day though, I didn’t get home until like 11 pm. But it was an amazing day. That’s for sure.

Tuesday I went back in to do some research, par norm. And got to see a basilic AV fistula and a below the knee amputation with Dr. K, all before I ran to dinner with my mom at a fancy restaurant. And I forgot to take off my scrub cap. Embarassing.

And then there was work. I had all of two tables, made like 50 bucks, ate some dinner, and got SUPER sick. Of which I am still sick.

Thankfully I got a computer from the doctors, so I can do my research from home, since I am still sick. They said somethings been going around the office, and it takes 3-6 days to clear up. Kill me now! It’s miserable. So hopefully y’all realize how busy I am. On top of all this I’m still waitressing, taking classes, etc. Its tough! Comment with any questions!