I Guess It's Inevitable

I guess it’s inevitable that I’m going to see The Cheater again. As I am sitting here on my flight back to school, it’s dawning on me that I’m going to see him again. And that is where you input a 5 year old voice squealing “But I don’t wanna!” I haven’t spoken to him since the beginning of summer break, when he sent me a text with a picture of a Spanish cathedral to which I replied “Why are you texting me? Don’t text me. This is my * The Cheater * free zone.” And I haven’t heard from him since then. It has been a long road trying to get over him. It’s like he is everywhere when I’m on campus. I found out around the 4^th of July last year that he had been having a relationship with another girl since mid march. He had been having sex with another girl (who ended up being a treacherous whore who knew he had a girlfriend the whole time) for almost 5 months. He started having sex with her BEFORE he convinced me to sleep with him… to lose my virginity to him! I had gone through so much with him. He really was the first man that I trusted completely. And I did love him. But I think it was a forced love. I think that I was homesick when I met him, being a freshman half way across the country from my family and friends, so when we started dating he became my comfort blanket. Not exactly a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Now after I found out he had been cheating on me, I looked back and saw all the red flags. Realized that I had been being stupid. It was a tough lesson. It hurt like all hell. But I learned from it.

I really thought I was over it two months later when I moved back to school. But I was living in the dorm building next to his apartments. And I was working at the biggest bar on campus. And he was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And I would get drunk, and see him, and lose my head. I’m so embarrassed now as I look back at the way I acted the first month or so when I got back. I dated guys, led guys on, who I never had real interest in. Even months later when I really was interested in a guy, who was by all means an amazing man, I couldn’t do a relationship. And that’s when I realized I’m just not made for relationships. I don’t trust any men. Now, I trust my best friend of 10 years, but that’s in a completely different context than in a relationship manner. I just don’t think trusting a guy is worth it. I have yet to meet a guy who turns me on. And by turns me on, I don’t just mean physically, because while that’s very, very, very important – I really do value being attracted to a man’s intellect and heart. It’s one thing to spend a night making out with a guy like 15 year olds, and another to be in a relationship. That’s not what a relationship can be built on.

This summer I haven’t thought about The Cheater much at all. I know he’s dating some girl. I know he cheated on her, and she took him back. I also know who the girl is, and have heard she’s a jersey girl, who is only interested in him because of  his “D1 athlete” standing. And as much as I wanna be like “well sucks to be used, dude” I can’t be. Because I really loved him. And as stupid as it is, I don’t want him to be hurt. Even though he completely annihilated me. Talk about self destructive. But I have vowed to myself that I will not, under any circumstances seek him out to talk, hang out, or whatever. And if I do happen to see him out and it cant be avoided  (we do have sooo many mutual friends), I will be coolly polite, and take the high road. But just thinking about seeing him, seeing him at all, gives me this huge pit in my stomach. It’s been over a year since this all went down, why do I feel so sick when I think of him? I have all of these gorgeous, smart, amazing guys vying for my attention, and yet I still feel sick when I think about The Cheater. It sucks! And the worst part is, it’s been a year and two months, and I don’t know when it will stop. I hate feeling weak like this. I hate that I gave him that kind of control over me. How stupid can I get? Never again will I give a man that kind of power over me. Never again will I date a guy who makes me an option, and only is there when he needs something from me. It was so obvious what he was doing, and yet I didn’t see it until the very end. And the thing that hurts the most? I waited so long. I wanted to make sure I lost my virginity to a guy who loved me and I loved and blah blah blah. I wanted to make sure I felt safe.  Because I was molested as a 6 year old. It gave me this residual fear of being intimate with men. And its something I am so ashamed of, even to this day. But I trusted him. I let him in, let him see how scared I was, and he used me. And treated me like I was expendable.   It just blows my mind that someone could be that cruel – especially someone who claimed to love me as much as he said he did.

As you can tell I still have so many untapped feelings about this. But really? I did love him. And even if he didn’t love me, I loved him. And so I guess losing my virginity to him wasn’t 100% bad. Because I did nothing wrong. I did what I thought was right. How could I know at that time that he was a pathological liar? I mean, maybe I should have seen it with all the red flags. But… UGH! It’s just such a stupid thing. I will never, ever cheat. Because I just couldn’t put anyone through what I went through. And still go through. But when I think about seeing him again… part of me wants to kick him in the balls… part of me wants to flip my hair, look outrageously gorgeous, and be flirting with an equally gorgeous guy… and part of me wants to run away and never come back. Talk about mixed emotions. But I guess it’s inevitable. And even if there is no equally gorgeous guy, I’m going to make sure that bastard sees me having a great time and loving life! Because that’s the best thing to do, right?