A Mess

Well. I have the flu. And now bronchitis. Which led the doctor to look into my records and see that I get an average of 2-3 cases of long lasting bacterial bronchitis a year. Which obviously isn’t normal. So apparently I have a condition called “hyperactive airway disease”… which is basically intermittent asthma left over from when I was a kid. It causes my airways to be super reactive, so anytime I get any type of flu/upper respiratory infection/sinus infection, etc, it turns into bronchitis, which my body cant get rid of, making the doctors think its bacterial. And even then, after I’m on antibiotics, I still wheeze when I run for weeks afterwards, because my airways are still swollen. So he prescribed me a ton of stuff, and instructed me to start using this steroid inhaler whenever I start to get sick to try and prevent these bronchitis episodes.

SO STUPID. Ugh. It’s just one more thing on my plate, eh? Regionals went okay. I got my second event qualification Saturday (I had to win, and I did), and then took 5ths in both events Sunday. Which I’m okay with since I had the full blown flu/bronchitis while competing.

My classes are whooping my ass. I should be writing my physics lab report that’s due tomorrow. But I’m waiting in the pharmacy for my prescriptions, so I figured I would write up a post.

As for boys. There is also one more I forgot to mention. I’m not even gunna give him a name yet, because for right now I am strictly friendzoning him.  He’s Indian, but born in the US, and is really tall and attractive. And really smart (wants to be a neurosurgeon), but young (skipped a grade), and all that. I dunno. Just dunno.

Realizing Coach might be a bad idea, cuz well, he’s my brothers coach. Dentist Boy is still cool. But IDK if he’s actually cute, or if I just cant see past the scrubs and muscles. Who knows.

I’m a mess.

Rough Couple Months

What a rough few months. I’ve been putting off writing this, mainly because the only chances I have had to do it, I’ve been so exhausted I just went to sleep. I’m not really ready to talk about my last couple posts again. We’ll leave that for when I have more energy. I currently have the flu. And regionals this weekend. And I may have contaminated a stock solution while having foggy flu brain and working in my lab. And I have a million papers to grade. So there is that.

I found out I have celiacs disease. I mean, my mom has it, and I knew it was coming. But I dropped down to about 92 pounds, and kept getting progressively sicker. As soon as I went on a gluten free diet, I improved a ton, but I became ultra reactive. Now if I get even a hint of it, or dairy, I get sick. It’s unreal. It sucks. I hate it. I want a damn mac n cheese pizza and a beer!

Schools insane. Between two jobs (one waiting tables, one teacher assisting), a research lab, a sports team, and school, PLUS a Kaplan MCAT class, I am absolutely struggling. Zero social life. Besides the boys. And boy are there a ton of them.

Brief overview on the boy front?

Kryptonite man. I went home for a week in January and saw him. It was amazing. He is amazing. But he’s there and I’m here. And we still talk, and skype, and all that, but distance just isn’t ever gunna cut it for either of us.

Physics boy is just frustrating. He never made a move so I assumed he wasn’t interested. So I friendzoned him. Then found out he was like a virgin, had zero experience with girls, etc. And was like, oh well, there’s that. Completely moved on. And we became super good friends. Then he kissed me! One night after we were studying. I couldn’t even respond cuz I was so like WTF just happened?!?!? And now he’s super awkward because he’s immature as hell. So I’m just annoyed with that. I’m not even interested. He’s so immature and has proven that repeatedly now.

Enter dentist boy. I know I’ve tweeted about him on many occasions, but I met him over a year ago, and we steadily have met a few times, in the library, out and about, and have just casually started to get to know each other (once I figured his name out, super awkward), and today he mentioned possibly going out sometime. So I would definitely be down for that!

Finally, enter Coach. Not my coach, obviously, my brothers. He’s young (late twenties), which is a good bit older than me, but you’d never know. He’s beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. And so sweet. And I absolutely love talking to him. And he’s also my good friends older brother. But I don’t know how that would ever happen. The whole him being my brothers coach thing. But he’s hot, and I would love for it to happen.

The biggest thing right now in my life is getting healthy. This celiacs thing is so much tougher than I ever imagined it to be. And I just need that to get better and life will be so much easier! Sorry for the long delay in posts!  I promise I’ll try to get better!

Amazed

Wow. I mean, I don’t really know what else to say. The response to my entry from last night was overwhelming. I can’t even explain to you how much the supportive tweets, messages, and comments meant to me. A part of me really was terrified that people would ridicule me for posting that. I guess I feel like what I went thought isn’t “legit” enough to be classified as “abuse”. And even now as I sit here writing this, my best friend is sitting doing homework across from me and keeps giving me weird looks due to the contemplative look I have on my face. If someone I didn’t know, or even a friend of mine, told me my story, I would feel awful, and I would definitely classify it as abuse, but because it’s me, I have a hard time doing that. Why is that I wonder?

            To those of you who shared your story with me, however similar or dissimilar it was, just know that you aren’t alone. If there is one thing I can contribute to this world, I hope that just one person knows that they aren’t the only one struggling through the abuse, or struggling through dealing with past abuse. And as selfish as it is, I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I’m not the only one who is going through this. And as relieved as I am, it also saddens me that any one else has to go through it. Does that make sense? I know it’s very contradictory, but I have so many emotions going nine million different ways on this topic.

            Strength. So many of you told me that I was a strong girl for writing this. I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. I feel weak for never realizing what was happening during this. I feel weak for not urging my mother to get herself, and my brothers and I out of the situation sooner. I feel weak for even considering that I was abused, knowing that so many of you out there are currently going through, or have gone through much much worse. I feel weak for not being able to just forget it and move on. And mostly, I feel weak for not hating him, for still seeking his approval and affection. I constantly want his approval, to make him proud, and it’s like he will never give it to me. I tell him I got a 98 percent on a test in one hard class, and he ignores that and asks about another hard class he knows I am struggling with. He asks about my finals, I explain and mention that my grade really depends on my final in Physics, and he sneers that he knows how it works, he has a bachelors and three masters degrees, and then sarcastically goes “but I’m sure college is so much harder now.” And yet, I still want to explain, still want him to tell me he’s proud of me.

            He’s coming to visit at the end of this month. I haven’t seen him since August, and I didn’t live with him this summer, so I really haven’t spent any prolonged period of time with him since the summer of 2011. I don’t really know how to act or what to expect. The part of me that constantly seeks his love and approval keeps saying “maybe he’s changed.” Yet, every time he does something nice, its followed by the same angry, destructive nature that characterized our relationship throughout my childhood. So why should I believe that he will change now? At what point do I throw in the towel?

            To those of you struggling to move past and deal with the repercussions of childhood abuse, I understand. To those of you who have survived, and who are thriving, I admire you so much. To those of you who are currently being abused, I’ve been there – I know you probably don’t see anything wrong with what is happening to you, but you feel lonely, worthless, hopeless, know that that isn’t normal. Talk to someone, anyone. It WILL get better. I promise. Each one of you is blessed and are going to do something special with your life, I know I am going to with mine.

            xoxo - J

An Alternate Reality

I don’t know if I’ll post this. I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing this. Every time I talk about this, it becomes more a part of my present, and less a part of my past, so I’m almost afraid that by the time I finish this it will consume me. The fear I mean. The feeling of brokenness, of being damaged, of it being my fault, and worst of all the hopelessness. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I have good friends, there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I hate myself for it. So many people have it so much worse than I do.

            I always thought it was normal, the way my dad acted. He would go into blind rages over small things, but I just thought all men did that. He would throw things. Break things. Scream at me. Belittle me. But I don’t remember much. He would start screaming, and the next thing I know my mom would be stroking my hair and I’d be in bed, crying, or in a closet, or a corner rocking and back and forth. He never sexually abused me (though a babysitter did, once when I was 6). He didn’t really physically abuse me either. He hit me a few times, but I wouldn’t classify it as abuse. But he did threaten me physically. And he was physical. One of my most vivid memories as a child was my mother and I huddled together in the corner of her room as my father screamed outside the door and then proceeded to break the door down. He did this twice on two separate occasions. I vividly remember him throwing a giant glass jar full of some type of nuts or whatever at my mother out of anger. As recently as this past summer he was screaming at me because I got into a fender bender, and grabbed my arm, so I ran down the street and hid in my neighbors garage until he left. Or the time he kicked in our cabinets. Or screamed at me bloody murder, again until I blacked out, because the crabs somehow got let out of the crab traps. He always apologized. Always. But he’d do it again. And again and again. It happened as often as every day, and sometimes as far apart as a week. But every time I thought he was going to stop, it would happen again. Or he would threaten me, and use my fear of him against me. Threaten to give away my horse. To not let me go to college. To leave and go back to Iraq. To divorce my mom. And on and on and on. When I was younger I thought my parents splitting up would be the end of the world. Now I wish she would have left him when I was much younger.

I don’t hate my Dad. I hope no one gets that idea. And he’s not a bad person. Just not a great father. I don’t know why he does this. I know he’s sick. I know his dad did it to him. I just wish he loved me, my mom, and my brothers enough to get help. But he won’t. And I thought it was normal. The only relationship I’ve ever been exposed to is my parents. A relationship full of domestic violence and manipulation. I can’t fathom a healthy, functional relationship, because they don’t exist in my reality. Men have only ever hurt me. I never had a real father daughter relationship. But men scare me. Every man I ever spend time with I fight fear. And if they explode, yell, curse, anything at me? I freak out. To this day.

My biggest fear is that I’m damaged. I don’t tell people. I feel like no one will care. That I’m damaged. That I’ll never forget or move on. I feel paralyzed sometimes. And sometimes I want to deny it. Pretend my childhood was the same as all of my friends. Very few of my friends know about this. I don’t want them to think of me different. To judge me. But I’m scared. And I’m watching my 16 year old brother turn into my father in front of my eyes. I had to call the cops just a few weeks ago when he got so angry he almost hit me, but instead punched through a window and sliced his hand. He has the same rages. They’re few and far between, but I’m so scared. I’ve become afraid of him. He exploded on me verbally recently, and I blacked out. My little brother caused me to have the same fear response as my abusive father. I moved halfway across the country when I was 18 to get away from my father. And now here’s my baby brother, who I’ve always tried to protect the best I could, causing me to end up on the floor sobbing in the bathroom. I honestly thought he was father, my mom had to keep telling me he wasn’t my father.

Everyone says I’m such a strong person. Says I’m so smart, so driven, so blessed. And I know I’m blessed. I know God has given me so many good things. But I would give all the material things back if I could only have a real father. The one that my friends talked about. Who would hug them when their boyfriend broke their heart. Who would wait up for them when they’re on a date in high school, and threaten to kill anyone who hurt them. Who would do everything in their power to protect their little girl. Who would stay up and watch movies on the couch. Who would do anything to keep her safe. And I think he would for the most part. I think he tried to keep me safe from everything, but he just wasn’t willing to protect me from the thing that was hurting me the most - himself. And I sit here bawling my eyes out as I write this, I don’t want to post this. I don’t want anyone to know how pathetic and weak and damaged I am. How broken I am. How hopeless and worthless I feel. But it took me almost 20 years to realize that how I grew up wasn’t normal. That I was victimized by my father. And that I witnessed a marriage full of domestic abuse. And that none of that is normal. That none of that is okay. So if any of you know someone going through this, or if you yourself is going through this, just know you’re not alone. No one should have to go through abuse.

There is so much more I want to say. There is so much more I need to say. But right now I can’t. I hate talking about this at all. So forgive me, but I am trying.

xoxo - J

I Suck

Yes. I Suck. I admit it. And to all you guys who read this, I am very very sorry. I don’t know what my issue has been the past month and a half. I guess between school and life and family drama, I just got caught up. So many things have happened. I definitely can’t explain everything in one post. Especially since I have to leave for class in 45 minutes. And have a test tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Well. Spring Break boy is no longer. I know I have said that before, but this time it actually is true. He is just at a different point in my life than I am. He’s a fun guy. But fun is only one part of the equation. As for everyone else? Kryptonite Man and his girlfriend broke up. So as horrible as it is to say, I am SO happy about that. She was awful. Doctor boy and I don’t really talk anymore, mainly because he’s halfway across the country.

Now, Physics boy. I don’t know if y’all remember him. (Check out bullet 4 in Busy Busy Busy 10/13/12 ) But I’m totally crushing on him. Well I think I am. I don’t even know. But either way. I’m interested in getting to know him more. As of now we just study together, pretty much. But I can’t read him. Which is weird for me. I’m used to being able to read people pretty well. So we’ll see where that go.

I started a new job. Why the old one ended is a long ass story. But I’m super excited. The money is way better, I don’t ever work as late at night, and only have to cocktail once a week. Everyone seems super nice too, which is definitely a plus.

I’m still running a lot. But I can’t seem to keep any weight on. I keep bouncing between 103 ish and 108 ish. And at 5’7”, I probably should have a little more weight on me than that. High metabolism is great until it tries to kill you! Anyone have any recipes that are super high carb/protein that are easy/quick to make? I am in college remember!

Finally. School. So frustrating. I think I’m doing good. As long as I do acceptable on my Genetics final, I should easily get an A in the class. I have a 95% in there. Psych should be an A with no problem. As for Physics, who the hell knows. The curve should be super high, which means I could get an A potentially…. But you never know. Finally, Neuroscience. I am sitting right at a 90% in there. It is seriously the hardest class ever. And she claims she doesn’t curve at all, but I’ve heard from previous students that they see a big grade boost at the end, so maybe she drops a test score or something? That would be awesome, cuz I want an A so bad, and she says she only gives A’s to 93% and higher. Which is ridiculous for how hard that class is. Who knows. Finals are coming up. Which is terrifying. I never have been good at balancing studying for more than one class at a time. Anyone have any advice?

Last but not least, some crazy good news! I got into directed research working with a Genetics professor who is a Yale grad, and also the author of the best selling Genetics textbook in the country! I’m SOOO pumped. A letter of recommendation from him will really help me everywhere! I’m getting nervous for medschool applications. It’s absolutely crazy to me that I’ll be applying in 6 months. Unreal, I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. But first, I have to take an MCAT class next semester. So the real debate is: Kaplan or Princeton. Online or in person? As for the latter, I’m pretty sure im going to do in person, simply because I don’t do as well in online structures. But I really could use some advice for deciding Kaplan or Princeton. Any advice you guys?

I promise to blog again soon!

Xoxo  - J

To Visit or Not To Visit

Alright. So Spring Break Boy drama. Where do I start? The last time I discussed him, we were talking pretty regularly. He was texting me, I was texting him. It was weird. Cuz it was normal. And then I had a wine night with Arizona, and I got WASTED. And by wasted, I mean beyond okay. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and it was just a mess. But I ended up on skype with SB Boy for like 3 or 4 hours, when he had a game the next day. Which is crazy. And I vaguely remember talking to him about his ex, who he dated for like 4 or 5 years. And that they broke up cuz he just couldn’t give her what she wanted, and all that. No big. But that’s all I really remember discussing with him that night. All I know is being really hung over the next day. And waking up and texting him an apology and him going “So should I just ignore all the nice things you said to me?” Which made me worry that I was a little too honest. But I guess I started really analyzing things after that. Because I started to think that I wasn’t really hearing from him, unless I was initiating the conversation. So I just didn’t text him. He favorited some tweets, stuff like that. But I stuck with it, never texted him, and he waited TEN DAYS to finally text me. And let me tell you, I was not very nice when he did. I was pretty cold and blah blah blah. But pretty much straight after texting me he asked if I was planning on going up for his homecoming like I had been planning before. I said I didn’t know, whatever.

We have been back and forth again since then. And he texts me, I text him, whatever. But last weds he got a little tipsy and he said something really sweet, and I went “Sure, I’m sure you tell that to all the girls.” Which is something I definitely have been wondering about. Cuz he is so sweet to me so often. Is he just that way to all girls? Or whats his deal? And he immediately went “Absolutely not (insert full name here). I think you’re a really cool girl. I wish I could spend more time with you, and hopefully I can over winter break when I come home.” So I didn’t respond for quite some time. Cuz I had no idea how to respond. I mean after talking to Arizona she said a) drunk words are sober thoughts, b) sounds like the distance is worrisome to him, c) he obviously is into me. But who the hell knows. And I still don’t know if I should go up there. So that’s my biggest thing right now. Also Thursday night I was again, very drunk, and told him that Arizona thought he was kinda sketchy, which I retracted in the morning, cuz I barely remember what that was about. And he seemed pretty puzzled about it Friday morning. But I’m back to seeing when he texts me again. We’ll see if it’s before Thursday or Friday.

And another thing – If I go visit him, what are his expectations? Cuz God knows I am not having sex with him if he’s sleeping with God only knows how many other girls. I have no problems having a good time, but I just can’t go there, that’s too gross to me. Is he only interested in me cuz it’s a challenge? But why would he still be doing this after 7 months, when he could easily have any girl he wanted up there? And I’ve turned him down multiple times before. Doesn’t seem like a normal MO for a guy.

Do I go or not? What do y’all think? Or should I wait til break when he comes down here?   I have no idea! Now it’s time to stop procrastinating and go study!

Busy Busy Busy

Where do I even begin? There has been way way way too much stuff going on the last month to even begin to describe. So I’m gunna shorthand everything. And then if you wanna know more, comment, and I’ll blog specifically about that! So here we go!

1.     My mom and little brother, E, moved up! So I get to see me fam on a regular basis now! Which is pretty much the best thing ever.

2.     I did okay on my first physics exam. And okay on my first NSCI exam. Definitely need to step it up though.

3.     Lots and LOTS of work drama. I’m very frustrated.

4.     I have a freaking ADORABLE guy in my new physics group. We’ll call him physics boy. He also lives in my building, which is awesome.

5.     Holy drama with SB boy. We were hard core talking for a while. Including a 3 and a half hour skype session while I was drunk and he was sober. But then I decided I really wanted him to put forth the effort. And I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. Like, sorry what? But now we’re back to talking again. But part of me thinks that’s cuz he wants me to come visit him next weekend. And I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not.  I really can’t sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people. I’m not that type of girl and I think it’s gross. But I called him out on the fact that I feel like he probably talks to a lot of girls like he talks to me, cuz hes so complimentary and sweet all the time. And his response was “No I don’t J, I think you’re a really cool girl and I really wish I could spend more time with you. Maybe over Winter break.” And he was drunk. So I really don’t know.

6.     I was so sick for like 2 weeks. And lost so much weight. I kinda look gross now.

7.     I am training for a 5K. Which normally wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except that my doctors told me my knees could never withstand running. But I’ve missed it so much, and am loving it.

8.     My best friend, Arizona, introduced me to one of her friends, we’ll call him the mutual friend. He. Is. Gorgeous. And super sweet. And I’ve only hung out with him really once, in our group. But he’s adorable. And there’s definitely flock member potential.

9.     My good friend at work is known by a lot of people as my twin. We look alike, are both going to med school, and both ride horses. And have the same personality, etc. Well her cousin is a freshman (but 20) at my school, on the hockey team. And last spring she was talking about trying to hook me up with him. Well I met his parents, her aunt and uncle, tonight. And they talked to me for five minutes and immediately went “You need to meet our son.” So apparently that actually has to happen now. But I don’t think anything could come of it, cuz he’s a hockey player. And God knows they’re so gross.

So that’s the shortened version of everything I can think of right now. I really don’t know if I shoul