Amazed

Wow. I mean, I don’t really know what else to say. The response to my entry from last night was overwhelming. I can’t even explain to you how much the supportive tweets, messages, and comments meant to me. A part of me really was terrified that people would ridicule me for posting that. I guess I feel like what I went thought isn’t “legit” enough to be classified as “abuse”. And even now as I sit here writing this, my best friend is sitting doing homework across from me and keeps giving me weird looks due to the contemplative look I have on my face. If someone I didn’t know, or even a friend of mine, told me my story, I would feel awful, and I would definitely classify it as abuse, but because it’s me, I have a hard time doing that. Why is that I wonder?

            To those of you who shared your story with me, however similar or dissimilar it was, just know that you aren’t alone. If there is one thing I can contribute to this world, I hope that just one person knows that they aren’t the only one struggling through the abuse, or struggling through dealing with past abuse. And as selfish as it is, I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I’m not the only one who is going through this. And as relieved as I am, it also saddens me that any one else has to go through it. Does that make sense? I know it’s very contradictory, but I have so many emotions going nine million different ways on this topic.

            Strength. So many of you told me that I was a strong girl for writing this. I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. I feel weak for never realizing what was happening during this. I feel weak for not urging my mother to get herself, and my brothers and I out of the situation sooner. I feel weak for even considering that I was abused, knowing that so many of you out there are currently going through, or have gone through much much worse. I feel weak for not being able to just forget it and move on. And mostly, I feel weak for not hating him, for still seeking his approval and affection. I constantly want his approval, to make him proud, and it’s like he will never give it to me. I tell him I got a 98 percent on a test in one hard class, and he ignores that and asks about another hard class he knows I am struggling with. He asks about my finals, I explain and mention that my grade really depends on my final in Physics, and he sneers that he knows how it works, he has a bachelors and three masters degrees, and then sarcastically goes “but I’m sure college is so much harder now.” And yet, I still want to explain, still want him to tell me he’s proud of me.

            He’s coming to visit at the end of this month. I haven’t seen him since August, and I didn’t live with him this summer, so I really haven’t spent any prolonged period of time with him since the summer of 2011. I don’t really know how to act or what to expect. The part of me that constantly seeks his love and approval keeps saying “maybe he’s changed.” Yet, every time he does something nice, its followed by the same angry, destructive nature that characterized our relationship throughout my childhood. So why should I believe that he will change now? At what point do I throw in the towel?

            To those of you struggling to move past and deal with the repercussions of childhood abuse, I understand. To those of you who have survived, and who are thriving, I admire you so much. To those of you who are currently being abused, I’ve been there – I know you probably don’t see anything wrong with what is happening to you, but you feel lonely, worthless, hopeless, know that that isn’t normal. Talk to someone, anyone. It WILL get better. I promise. Each one of you is blessed and are going to do something special with your life, I know I am going to with mine.

            xoxo - J

An Alternate Reality

I don’t know if I’ll post this. I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing this. Every time I talk about this, it becomes more a part of my present, and less a part of my past, so I’m almost afraid that by the time I finish this it will consume me. The fear I mean. The feeling of brokenness, of being damaged, of it being my fault, and worst of all the hopelessness. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I have good friends, there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I hate myself for it. So many people have it so much worse than I do.

            I always thought it was normal, the way my dad acted. He would go into blind rages over small things, but I just thought all men did that. He would throw things. Break things. Scream at me. Belittle me. But I don’t remember much. He would start screaming, and the next thing I know my mom would be stroking my hair and I’d be in bed, crying, or in a closet, or a corner rocking and back and forth. He never sexually abused me (though a babysitter did, once when I was 6). He didn’t really physically abuse me either. He hit me a few times, but I wouldn’t classify it as abuse. But he did threaten me physically. And he was physical. One of my most vivid memories as a child was my mother and I huddled together in the corner of her room as my father screamed outside the door and then proceeded to break the door down. He did this twice on two separate occasions. I vividly remember him throwing a giant glass jar full of some type of nuts or whatever at my mother out of anger. As recently as this past summer he was screaming at me because I got into a fender bender, and grabbed my arm, so I ran down the street and hid in my neighbors garage until he left. Or the time he kicked in our cabinets. Or screamed at me bloody murder, again until I blacked out, because the crabs somehow got let out of the crab traps. He always apologized. Always. But he’d do it again. And again and again. It happened as often as every day, and sometimes as far apart as a week. But every time I thought he was going to stop, it would happen again. Or he would threaten me, and use my fear of him against me. Threaten to give away my horse. To not let me go to college. To leave and go back to Iraq. To divorce my mom. And on and on and on. When I was younger I thought my parents splitting up would be the end of the world. Now I wish she would have left him when I was much younger.

I don’t hate my Dad. I hope no one gets that idea. And he’s not a bad person. Just not a great father. I don’t know why he does this. I know he’s sick. I know his dad did it to him. I just wish he loved me, my mom, and my brothers enough to get help. But he won’t. And I thought it was normal. The only relationship I’ve ever been exposed to is my parents. A relationship full of domestic violence and manipulation. I can’t fathom a healthy, functional relationship, because they don’t exist in my reality. Men have only ever hurt me. I never had a real father daughter relationship. But men scare me. Every man I ever spend time with I fight fear. And if they explode, yell, curse, anything at me? I freak out. To this day.

My biggest fear is that I’m damaged. I don’t tell people. I feel like no one will care. That I’m damaged. That I’ll never forget or move on. I feel paralyzed sometimes. And sometimes I want to deny it. Pretend my childhood was the same as all of my friends. Very few of my friends know about this. I don’t want them to think of me different. To judge me. But I’m scared. And I’m watching my 16 year old brother turn into my father in front of my eyes. I had to call the cops just a few weeks ago when he got so angry he almost hit me, but instead punched through a window and sliced his hand. He has the same rages. They’re few and far between, but I’m so scared. I’ve become afraid of him. He exploded on me verbally recently, and I blacked out. My little brother caused me to have the same fear response as my abusive father. I moved halfway across the country when I was 18 to get away from my father. And now here’s my baby brother, who I’ve always tried to protect the best I could, causing me to end up on the floor sobbing in the bathroom. I honestly thought he was father, my mom had to keep telling me he wasn’t my father.

Everyone says I’m such a strong person. Says I’m so smart, so driven, so blessed. And I know I’m blessed. I know God has given me so many good things. But I would give all the material things back if I could only have a real father. The one that my friends talked about. Who would hug them when their boyfriend broke their heart. Who would wait up for them when they’re on a date in high school, and threaten to kill anyone who hurt them. Who would do everything in their power to protect their little girl. Who would stay up and watch movies on the couch. Who would do anything to keep her safe. And I think he would for the most part. I think he tried to keep me safe from everything, but he just wasn’t willing to protect me from the thing that was hurting me the most - himself. And I sit here bawling my eyes out as I write this, I don’t want to post this. I don’t want anyone to know how pathetic and weak and damaged I am. How broken I am. How hopeless and worthless I feel. But it took me almost 20 years to realize that how I grew up wasn’t normal. That I was victimized by my father. And that I witnessed a marriage full of domestic abuse. And that none of that is normal. That none of that is okay. So if any of you know someone going through this, or if you yourself is going through this, just know you’re not alone. No one should have to go through abuse.

There is so much more I want to say. There is so much more I need to say. But right now I can’t. I hate talking about this at all. So forgive me, but I am trying.

xoxo - J

I Suck

Yes. I Suck. I admit it. And to all you guys who read this, I am very very sorry. I don’t know what my issue has been the past month and a half. I guess between school and life and family drama, I just got caught up. So many things have happened. I definitely can’t explain everything in one post. Especially since I have to leave for class in 45 minutes. And have a test tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Well. Spring Break boy is no longer. I know I have said that before, but this time it actually is true. He is just at a different point in my life than I am. He’s a fun guy. But fun is only one part of the equation. As for everyone else? Kryptonite Man and his girlfriend broke up. So as horrible as it is to say, I am SO happy about that. She was awful. Doctor boy and I don’t really talk anymore, mainly because he’s halfway across the country.

Now, Physics boy. I don’t know if y’all remember him. (Check out bullet 4 in Busy Busy Busy 10/13/12 ) But I’m totally crushing on him. Well I think I am. I don’t even know. But either way. I’m interested in getting to know him more. As of now we just study together, pretty much. But I can’t read him. Which is weird for me. I’m used to being able to read people pretty well. So we’ll see where that go.

I started a new job. Why the old one ended is a long ass story. But I’m super excited. The money is way better, I don’t ever work as late at night, and only have to cocktail once a week. Everyone seems super nice too, which is definitely a plus.

I’m still running a lot. But I can’t seem to keep any weight on. I keep bouncing between 103 ish and 108 ish. And at 5’7”, I probably should have a little more weight on me than that. High metabolism is great until it tries to kill you! Anyone have any recipes that are super high carb/protein that are easy/quick to make? I am in college remember!

Finally. School. So frustrating. I think I’m doing good. As long as I do acceptable on my Genetics final, I should easily get an A in the class. I have a 95% in there. Psych should be an A with no problem. As for Physics, who the hell knows. The curve should be super high, which means I could get an A potentially…. But you never know. Finally, Neuroscience. I am sitting right at a 90% in there. It is seriously the hardest class ever. And she claims she doesn’t curve at all, but I’ve heard from previous students that they see a big grade boost at the end, so maybe she drops a test score or something? That would be awesome, cuz I want an A so bad, and she says she only gives A’s to 93% and higher. Which is ridiculous for how hard that class is. Who knows. Finals are coming up. Which is terrifying. I never have been good at balancing studying for more than one class at a time. Anyone have any advice?

Last but not least, some crazy good news! I got into directed research working with a Genetics professor who is a Yale grad, and also the author of the best selling Genetics textbook in the country! I’m SOOO pumped. A letter of recommendation from him will really help me everywhere! I’m getting nervous for medschool applications. It’s absolutely crazy to me that I’ll be applying in 6 months. Unreal, I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. But first, I have to take an MCAT class next semester. So the real debate is: Kaplan or Princeton. Online or in person? As for the latter, I’m pretty sure im going to do in person, simply because I don’t do as well in online structures. But I really could use some advice for deciding Kaplan or Princeton. Any advice you guys?

I promise to blog again soon!

Xoxo  - J

To Visit or Not To Visit

Alright. So Spring Break Boy drama. Where do I start? The last time I discussed him, we were talking pretty regularly. He was texting me, I was texting him. It was weird. Cuz it was normal. And then I had a wine night with Arizona, and I got WASTED. And by wasted, I mean beyond okay. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and it was just a mess. But I ended up on skype with SB Boy for like 3 or 4 hours, when he had a game the next day. Which is crazy. And I vaguely remember talking to him about his ex, who he dated for like 4 or 5 years. And that they broke up cuz he just couldn’t give her what she wanted, and all that. No big. But that’s all I really remember discussing with him that night. All I know is being really hung over the next day. And waking up and texting him an apology and him going “So should I just ignore all the nice things you said to me?” Which made me worry that I was a little too honest. But I guess I started really analyzing things after that. Because I started to think that I wasn’t really hearing from him, unless I was initiating the conversation. So I just didn’t text him. He favorited some tweets, stuff like that. But I stuck with it, never texted him, and he waited TEN DAYS to finally text me. And let me tell you, I was not very nice when he did. I was pretty cold and blah blah blah. But pretty much straight after texting me he asked if I was planning on going up for his homecoming like I had been planning before. I said I didn’t know, whatever.

We have been back and forth again since then. And he texts me, I text him, whatever. But last weds he got a little tipsy and he said something really sweet, and I went “Sure, I’m sure you tell that to all the girls.” Which is something I definitely have been wondering about. Cuz he is so sweet to me so often. Is he just that way to all girls? Or whats his deal? And he immediately went “Absolutely not (insert full name here). I think you’re a really cool girl. I wish I could spend more time with you, and hopefully I can over winter break when I come home.” So I didn’t respond for quite some time. Cuz I had no idea how to respond. I mean after talking to Arizona she said a) drunk words are sober thoughts, b) sounds like the distance is worrisome to him, c) he obviously is into me. But who the hell knows. And I still don’t know if I should go up there. So that’s my biggest thing right now. Also Thursday night I was again, very drunk, and told him that Arizona thought he was kinda sketchy, which I retracted in the morning, cuz I barely remember what that was about. And he seemed pretty puzzled about it Friday morning. But I’m back to seeing when he texts me again. We’ll see if it’s before Thursday or Friday.

And another thing – If I go visit him, what are his expectations? Cuz God knows I am not having sex with him if he’s sleeping with God only knows how many other girls. I have no problems having a good time, but I just can’t go there, that’s too gross to me. Is he only interested in me cuz it’s a challenge? But why would he still be doing this after 7 months, when he could easily have any girl he wanted up there? And I’ve turned him down multiple times before. Doesn’t seem like a normal MO for a guy.

Do I go or not? What do y’all think? Or should I wait til break when he comes down here?   I have no idea! Now it’s time to stop procrastinating and go study!

Busy Busy Busy

Where do I even begin? There has been way way way too much stuff going on the last month to even begin to describe. So I’m gunna shorthand everything. And then if you wanna know more, comment, and I’ll blog specifically about that! So here we go!

1.     My mom and little brother, E, moved up! So I get to see me fam on a regular basis now! Which is pretty much the best thing ever.

2.     I did okay on my first physics exam. And okay on my first NSCI exam. Definitely need to step it up though.

3.     Lots and LOTS of work drama. I’m very frustrated.

4.     I have a freaking ADORABLE guy in my new physics group. We’ll call him physics boy. He also lives in my building, which is awesome.

5.     Holy drama with SB boy. We were hard core talking for a while. Including a 3 and a half hour skype session while I was drunk and he was sober. But then I decided I really wanted him to put forth the effort. And I didn’t hear from him for 10 days. Like, sorry what? But now we’re back to talking again. But part of me thinks that’s cuz he wants me to come visit him next weekend. And I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not.  I really can’t sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people. I’m not that type of girl and I think it’s gross. But I called him out on the fact that I feel like he probably talks to a lot of girls like he talks to me, cuz hes so complimentary and sweet all the time. And his response was “No I don’t J, I think you’re a really cool girl and I really wish I could spend more time with you. Maybe over Winter break.” And he was drunk. So I really don’t know.

6.     I was so sick for like 2 weeks. And lost so much weight. I kinda look gross now.

7.     I am training for a 5K. Which normally wouldn’t be too big of a deal, except that my doctors told me my knees could never withstand running. But I’ve missed it so much, and am loving it.

8.     My best friend, Arizona, introduced me to one of her friends, we’ll call him the mutual friend. He. Is. Gorgeous. And super sweet. And I’ve only hung out with him really once, in our group. But he’s adorable. And there’s definitely flock member potential.

9.     My good friend at work is known by a lot of people as my twin. We look alike, are both going to med school, and both ride horses. And have the same personality, etc. Well her cousin is a freshman (but 20) at my school, on the hockey team. And last spring she was talking about trying to hook me up with him. Well I met his parents, her aunt and uncle, tonight. And they talked to me for five minutes and immediately went “You need to meet our son.” So apparently that actually has to happen now. But I don’t think anything could come of it, cuz he’s a hockey player. And God knows they’re so gross.

So that’s the shortened version of everything I can think of right now. I really don’t know if I shoul

Being A Typical Girl

Jeeze, I mean, I woke up the morning after my last blog post, reread it and reread my conversation with SB boy and felt like a moron. I think I am LOOKING for reasons to push him away, or cast him aside. So I’m gunna restate what that conversation the other night was really like. He was sober. The entire time. He actually told me when he was going to start drinking, and it was way after all of the comments about me going to visit him, and him coming to visit me, and wanting to spend time with me and this that and the other. So I kinda felt like an idiot. I mean that doesn’t end the whole, me not knowing what I want, thing, and the whole, me not wanting to sleep with him if he’s sleeping with other people, thing. And also, other than the 15-20 minutes after his game on Friday, we really haven’t spent much time together sober. Which I brought up to him the other night. But that leads me to another story.

Last May when he came down to visit me, we took a goofy picture while we were drunkenly waiting for his friend, that had me making an outrageous “oh my gosh look who I found!” face and him kissing my cheek. Super cute. But one of his teammates posted on it saying “I think maybe *insert another spring break member/sb boys roommate here* ‘s song is now your song.” To which he replied “haha no way man” and I was curious, but didn’t really think much about it. Well last night I got a comment on a picture we took Friday night, and it was from the same teammate saying “Hey *SB boy* I am listening to Spring Break Up right now!” and SB Boy liked it. So I of course was like, wait wtf?! Cuz, if you know the lyrics to that song, it is kinda weird. And totally doesn’t describe our situation at all. But I ignored it until we were randomly on at the same time, and then I just was like “hahaha spring break up huh?!” and he laughed and immediately explained that they had given that song to their roommate because he had been obsessed with my friend, Callie… like creepily obsessed, and she was just interested in a spring break fling. So he explained that and then said that he guessed his teammate was trying to peg that on him.

So then my question is… what? How do his teammates know that much about us? Blah. But while we were talking I joked about us being drunk asses whenever we were around each other, and he promptly said that we should change that very soon and go to dinner as ‘sober members of society’. So what do y’all think, do I give him a chance? Or just toss him aside?

And on the other hand there is the coworker who is into me. And very cute. But I don’t know how I feel about the whole going on a date with a coworker thing. Anyone have any experience about that? What do y’all think??

I Don't Know What I Want

It takes a lot for me to stress out about a boy. And I do mean a lot. But I’m there. It may be because I haven’t had my depo shot and I’m all weirdly pms-y and stuff, but I sure am not a happy camper right now. It has to do with Spring Break Boy and me being an anti-commitment, anti-attached kind of person. I guess I need to start at the beginning.

I met Spring Break boy on spring break (go figure), when me and my friends Izzie, Callie and Lexie, went to Florida. I ran into SB boy’s friend/teammate in a store while I was waiting for my friends. He was wearing a college tshirt that hinted that he was from close to our school. And he was. Like 2 and a half hours north. SB boy came down the stairs a few minutes later with a few of his other friends. There were 5 total. I totally was all about SB boy from the moment I saw him. I mean, he’s just gorgeous and totally my type, 6’3” of muscle, and big brown eyes. Just gorgeous. Once Lexie, Izzie, and Callie got to the store we stood around chatting with them, and SB boy actually exchanged numbers with Izzie. Which I was completely jealous of, and Callie exchanged with one of SB boys friends.

So whatever happened, and we ended up meeting up with them the next night, and going to their condo they were renting for the week. We just drank and played drinking games and all that. Me and SB boy were very flirty, and it became obvious he was interested in me, and one of his friends was interested in Izzie. As we were playing, the “never have I ever” portion of the game came up, and in that I learned that he had had a threesome. Which was something I was totally not expecting. To me, that’s not attractive. But regardless, we got drunk and made out in the hot tub. And in the shower. But we never did anything but make out. And this happened pretty much every night of the week. And one night we went to a bar, and we were brats and made each other jealous all night, typical immature BS. But once we got over it we were back to the fun normal stuff. Well spring break ended, and that was that. We still talked a good bit though. Flirty, all the time, etc.

Well after finals, he came down to visit. So that night we went out to the bars, and neither of us drank much, but we had a good time. He got jealous/protective when someone else hit on me, and all that. We pretty much acted like a couple. Which is really, really weird for me. He got to meet Arizona, and a few of my coworkers, and they all LOVED him. He ended up spending the night, and we pretty much did everything BUT have sex. I’m just not the type of person who can do the one night stand type deal. And that’s what it felt like. But I really, really, really wanted to. If you know what I mean.

I left for home the next day, and we talked on and off all summer, always flirty and stuff. And he would tweet random things at me that let me know he was tweeting at me, like during the Olympics. Well, he had a game in town this past Friday night, and I went to it, because he asked me too. And dear God, that boy in football pants? Holy bajeesus. But after the game, I went out on the field. His family was there, so I went and talked to another mutual friend for a while, before he came over. We hugged and the pictures are freaking adorable. The kid makes me smile like a mad woman. But then he had to leave to go back to school, and we texted all night.

He talked about me coming up, and then coming down to visit me once football is over and all that. But eventually he was saying it while drunk, and I didn’t know if it was just drunk words, or if its more of the drunk mind=sober thoughts thing. Who knows. But I do know I got way too drunk, ended up seeing the guy I met at the bookstore last week, and hanging out with him all night. He didn’t leave my apartment til like 5 am. But SB boy was texting me while he was here, and one text I got was “I love me some insert my full name here” at like 4 am. Like, I know he was wasted. But like, ugh, no.

So pretty much I don’t know how to take it all. I don’t want a relationship with him, I don’t like the commitment and stuff. But I also don’t want to be sleeping with him, and him be sleeping with other people. Make sense? So pretty much I want the best of both worlds, without sacrificing my views. What do y’all think I should do? So conflicted. I don’t even know what I really want. Or what I should do. Should I just ignore him until he comes down here? Or should I go visit? Help!