Boys On Boys On Boys

So I kinda brought y’all vaguely up to speed on the guys in my life in the last post, with absolutely no detail. But I guess I kind of owe y’all the dirt, yeah? So here goes nothing.

Dentist Boy: Well I brought him up forever ago. He’s hot. No doubting that, especially with the scrubs. He’s a second year dental student, life of the party, about 6’6”, blonde hair, blue eyes, muscles for days… you get the picture! Oddly, he looks like a better-looking version of the cheater. And I do mean MUCH better looking, but still, weird. Even weirder, his last two ex girlfriends have the same name as me. It’s kind of a clusterfuck. Like, a) who dates two people back to back with the same name, and b) who starts talking to another girl with the same name right after? Should I be worried about a name fetish? No chance of him calling out the wrong name in bed I guess…. I guess my big problem with him is that he’s acting almost couplish, calling me after we’ve been out to check on me, knowing when I have tests, etc. But he hasn’t asked me out to dinner, or even to hang out outside of drinking or studying in the library… Like, dude, man up! Maybe he’s just not that into me? But then, what’s with the puppy dog act? Who knows.

Kryptonite Man: We all know and love this boy. I miss him. But since baseball has started back up, he’s been busy, therefore we don’t talk as much and it makes it easier. Until he’s super sweet and wants me to come visit him once classes are out for a few days. I want to… boy do I want to, but I don’t know if that would be such a good idea. It’s generally not a good idea to get attached to a guy you know is always going to be far away. But on the other hand, he’s like my security blanket. He knows about my dad, and doesn’t care. And I’m super comfortable with him. I don’t know, it’s such a complicated situation.

Hockey Boy: Funny story here. I joined Tinder as a joke, at like 3 am when I couldn’t sleep. Hockey boy was one of my matches later that day or whatever, and we exchanged Hi, hi this is weird, etc. But come Friday I found out he was in town, even though he normally goes to school 6 hours away (where he plays hockey, hence the name). That night, he ran into blacked out me at the bar. Apparently I had been talking to another guy and his friend had asked me “hey are you J?” To which I had immediately said “Nope!” and turned away, without thinking (Drunk me probably thought he was gunna get me in trouble or something). Of course, later I recognized him, we chatted, etc, before I left. Well we ended up texting, etc, which we still do. And let me tell you, besides me absolutely adorable (baby face, kinda), with gorgeous eyes, and a hockey bod, he actually gets it. He’s super smart, and doesn’t have this NHL delusion, so he’s getting an engineering degree, and he has Diabetes, so he genuinely gets the whole autoimmune disease thing. Over all, I have a great time chatting with him, and he’s pre-asked me out to dinner for when he gets home in May. Other than the distance and sports deal, I don’t see any negatives so far!

Blue Eyes: I apparently met Blue eyes the first time on the weekend of my 21^st when I was just absolutely annihilated. His friend reintroduced us two Fridays ago, where I was absolutely captivated by his eyes. The boy is like 6’3” with black hair and darkish skin (not black, but obviously tans in the summer), and these navy blue eyes. Absolutely beautiful. So we exchanged numbers and he texted me the next day about going to dinner. So we went. He found a really nice celiac friendly place, and the dinner was phenomenal. He’s gorgeous. Has a good family. Is graduating in May and already accepted into a masters program, with a job offer from a huge firm in the city we go to school in. So needless to say, I’m impressed. After dinner we went for a beer. He’s a little goofy, which I honestly think is a good thing, but we talked for forever, about everything. I just never felt that “I wanna jump his bones” feeling. Now granted, it was a first date, so maybe that’s a good thing? He also asked if I would like to do the whole church thing one Sunday with him, while we were talking about how our moms were super into church, which was adorable, and let me tell you, my mom would love him. But still, I agreed to a second date, obviously. So we’re still working on that, since I’ve been sick and we’re both super busy. So we’ll see how that goes. But what do y’all think, is the lack of that “I wanna jump his bones” feeling a foreshadowing of no chemistry, or should I give it time?

Like I said, boys for days. I was also supposed to go out with another guy last week, but it never worked out. So who knows. I just hate making decisions!

School is still ridiculous. My Organic Chem lab is killer, especially since I’m taking it after taking a semester off from ochem. Killllllerrrr! I don’t remember crap. It’s ridiculous. On a good note, I have a semester paper due Tuesday on vanishing white matter disease, and a symposium presentation on Friday. Super stoked.

Alright, let me know what y’all think on the man front!

Xoxo J

Time For A Change

I think it’s time I return this blog to what I initially wanted it to be. It somehow became my diary about my issues with my dad, and while I will always be open and honest with you guys about that, I think it’s time I brought this blog back to its original intentions: “Life, Love, and The Pursuit of Medicine”. That being said, I’m gunna start back blogging more regularly, and put a little less into the “Life” (my issues and past and stuff), although there will always be support or an open line for anyone who needs to talk about their experiences or ongoing abuse, more on the “Love” my current dating habits, where you can give advice or opinion on different guys, and definitely the “Pursuit of Medicine”, because I’m making a lot of decisions here shortly about what I’m doing after I graduate!

Life is going really well. I’m super overwhelmed with school, big decisions, etc. But otherwise it’s going good. I quit my bottle service night time shift on Saturdays due to an altercation that happened at work last week, and I honestly just don’t feel safe. So now I’ll just be waiting tables for dinner. No more late nights, unless I get a bartending job! Also, I turned 21 this past month. It’s crazy fun, and I love being able to go out with friends. It was on my 21^st birthday that I really got close with a friend of mine, who I never thought I would be as close with as we are now, due to our completely different views on religion. But we’ve been able to look past that, and we’ve become so close due to our similar daddy issues. We’ll call her Alice.

Love is another story. Isn’t it funny how girls either have 4 or 5 great guys they can’t choose from in their life, or none at all? And God knows with this situation I’m going to choose wrong…. I’ll definitely do an elaborated post later tonight about these, but here are the current guys I’m thinking about:

Dentist Boy – We’ve brought him up before. He’s still around, but hasn’t formally asked me out to dinner, etc. Which I would like him to do? I don’t know. It’s slow moving.

Hockey Boy – Go figure, I initially chatted with him via Tinder, but met him in the bar literally the next night. He goes to school/plays hockey for a school about 5-6 hours from where I go. But he seems pretty great.

Blue Eyes – I met him at a bar (I know, a no-no), but he’s beautiful. His eyes are UNREAL. And he took me to dinner last week.

Kryptonite Man – We all know about this boy.

So there is that. Who knows?

As for the Pursuit of Medicine – I am officially conflicted. I love research. Like I never thought I would love it this much. Enter the crazy idea of going to get my MD/PhD. I know getting a PhD wouldn’t be satisfactory for me. And if I truly want to be a surgeon, then the PhD isn’t necessary, I can do clinical trials, whatever. But what if I get there and realize I didn’t want to do surgery? What if I end up doing Pediatric Oncology or something like that? I really have a passion for research, and I could do big things with an MD/PhD. It’s such a huge decision to make, and it’s really hard to pick a medical specialty without having hands on experience, which you can’t get until medical school. SO FRUSTRATING! I really wish I could figure it out soon.

I’m not taking classes this summer, which is nice, so I’ll be studying for my MCAT, which I’ll take at the end of June or July. Then who knows? I think I’ll apply to one or two med schools, but I really am planning on taking a year off to try and figure stuff out.

Thanks to all of you loyal readers, you’ll never know how much I appreciate you all!

A Mess

Well. I have the flu. And now bronchitis. Which led the doctor to look into my records and see that I get an average of 2-3 cases of long lasting bacterial bronchitis a year. Which obviously isn’t normal. So apparently I have a condition called “hyperactive airway disease”… which is basically intermittent asthma left over from when I was a kid. It causes my airways to be super reactive, so anytime I get any type of flu/upper respiratory infection/sinus infection, etc, it turns into bronchitis, which my body cant get rid of, making the doctors think its bacterial. And even then, after I’m on antibiotics, I still wheeze when I run for weeks afterwards, because my airways are still swollen. So he prescribed me a ton of stuff, and instructed me to start using this steroid inhaler whenever I start to get sick to try and prevent these bronchitis episodes.

SO STUPID. Ugh. It’s just one more thing on my plate, eh? Regionals went okay. I got my second event qualification Saturday (I had to win, and I did), and then took 5ths in both events Sunday. Which I’m okay with since I had the full blown flu/bronchitis while competing.

My classes are whooping my ass. I should be writing my physics lab report that’s due tomorrow. But I’m waiting in the pharmacy for my prescriptions, so I figured I would write up a post.

As for boys. There is also one more I forgot to mention. I’m not even gunna give him a name yet, because for right now I am strictly friendzoning him.  He’s Indian, but born in the US, and is really tall and attractive. And really smart (wants to be a neurosurgeon), but young (skipped a grade), and all that. I dunno. Just dunno.

Realizing Coach might be a bad idea, cuz well, he’s my brothers coach. Dentist Boy is still cool. But IDK if he’s actually cute, or if I just cant see past the scrubs and muscles. Who knows.

I’m a mess.

Rough Couple Months

What a rough few months. I’ve been putting off writing this, mainly because the only chances I have had to do it, I’ve been so exhausted I just went to sleep. I’m not really ready to talk about my last couple posts again. We’ll leave that for when I have more energy. I currently have the flu. And regionals this weekend. And I may have contaminated a stock solution while having foggy flu brain and working in my lab. And I have a million papers to grade. So there is that.

I found out I have celiacs disease. I mean, my mom has it, and I knew it was coming. But I dropped down to about 92 pounds, and kept getting progressively sicker. As soon as I went on a gluten free diet, I improved a ton, but I became ultra reactive. Now if I get even a hint of it, or dairy, I get sick. It’s unreal. It sucks. I hate it. I want a damn mac n cheese pizza and a beer!

Schools insane. Between two jobs (one waiting tables, one teacher assisting), a research lab, a sports team, and school, PLUS a Kaplan MCAT class, I am absolutely struggling. Zero social life. Besides the boys. And boy are there a ton of them.

Brief overview on the boy front?

Kryptonite man. I went home for a week in January and saw him. It was amazing. He is amazing. But he’s there and I’m here. And we still talk, and skype, and all that, but distance just isn’t ever gunna cut it for either of us.

Physics boy is just frustrating. He never made a move so I assumed he wasn’t interested. So I friendzoned him. Then found out he was like a virgin, had zero experience with girls, etc. And was like, oh well, there’s that. Completely moved on. And we became super good friends. Then he kissed me! One night after we were studying. I couldn’t even respond cuz I was so like WTF just happened?!?!? And now he’s super awkward because he’s immature as hell. So I’m just annoyed with that. I’m not even interested. He’s so immature and has proven that repeatedly now.

Enter dentist boy. I know I’ve tweeted about him on many occasions, but I met him over a year ago, and we steadily have met a few times, in the library, out and about, and have just casually started to get to know each other (once I figured his name out, super awkward), and today he mentioned possibly going out sometime. So I would definitely be down for that!

Finally, enter Coach. Not my coach, obviously, my brothers. He’s young (late twenties), which is a good bit older than me, but you’d never know. He’s beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. And so sweet. And I absolutely love talking to him. And he’s also my good friends older brother. But I don’t know how that would ever happen. The whole him being my brothers coach thing. But he’s hot, and I would love for it to happen.

The biggest thing right now in my life is getting healthy. This celiacs thing is so much tougher than I ever imagined it to be. And I just need that to get better and life will be so much easier! Sorry for the long delay in posts!  I promise I’ll try to get better!

Amazed

Wow. I mean, I don’t really know what else to say. The response to my entry from last night was overwhelming. I can’t even explain to you how much the supportive tweets, messages, and comments meant to me. A part of me really was terrified that people would ridicule me for posting that. I guess I feel like what I went thought isn’t “legit” enough to be classified as “abuse”. And even now as I sit here writing this, my best friend is sitting doing homework across from me and keeps giving me weird looks due to the contemplative look I have on my face. If someone I didn’t know, or even a friend of mine, told me my story, I would feel awful, and I would definitely classify it as abuse, but because it’s me, I have a hard time doing that. Why is that I wonder?

            To those of you who shared your story with me, however similar or dissimilar it was, just know that you aren’t alone. If there is one thing I can contribute to this world, I hope that just one person knows that they aren’t the only one struggling through the abuse, or struggling through dealing with past abuse. And as selfish as it is, I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I’m not the only one who is going through this. And as relieved as I am, it also saddens me that any one else has to go through it. Does that make sense? I know it’s very contradictory, but I have so many emotions going nine million different ways on this topic.

            Strength. So many of you told me that I was a strong girl for writing this. I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. I feel weak for never realizing what was happening during this. I feel weak for not urging my mother to get herself, and my brothers and I out of the situation sooner. I feel weak for even considering that I was abused, knowing that so many of you out there are currently going through, or have gone through much much worse. I feel weak for not being able to just forget it and move on. And mostly, I feel weak for not hating him, for still seeking his approval and affection. I constantly want his approval, to make him proud, and it’s like he will never give it to me. I tell him I got a 98 percent on a test in one hard class, and he ignores that and asks about another hard class he knows I am struggling with. He asks about my finals, I explain and mention that my grade really depends on my final in Physics, and he sneers that he knows how it works, he has a bachelors and three masters degrees, and then sarcastically goes “but I’m sure college is so much harder now.” And yet, I still want to explain, still want him to tell me he’s proud of me.

            He’s coming to visit at the end of this month. I haven’t seen him since August, and I didn’t live with him this summer, so I really haven’t spent any prolonged period of time with him since the summer of 2011. I don’t really know how to act or what to expect. The part of me that constantly seeks his love and approval keeps saying “maybe he’s changed.” Yet, every time he does something nice, its followed by the same angry, destructive nature that characterized our relationship throughout my childhood. So why should I believe that he will change now? At what point do I throw in the towel?

            To those of you struggling to move past and deal with the repercussions of childhood abuse, I understand. To those of you who have survived, and who are thriving, I admire you so much. To those of you who are currently being abused, I’ve been there – I know you probably don’t see anything wrong with what is happening to you, but you feel lonely, worthless, hopeless, know that that isn’t normal. Talk to someone, anyone. It WILL get better. I promise. Each one of you is blessed and are going to do something special with your life, I know I am going to with mine.

            xoxo - J

An Alternate Reality

I don’t know if I’ll post this. I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing this. Every time I talk about this, it becomes more a part of my present, and less a part of my past, so I’m almost afraid that by the time I finish this it will consume me. The fear I mean. The feeling of brokenness, of being damaged, of it being my fault, and worst of all the hopelessness. I’m smart, I’m pretty, I have good friends, there’s no reason for me to feel this way. I hate myself for it. So many people have it so much worse than I do.

            I always thought it was normal, the way my dad acted. He would go into blind rages over small things, but I just thought all men did that. He would throw things. Break things. Scream at me. Belittle me. But I don’t remember much. He would start screaming, and the next thing I know my mom would be stroking my hair and I’d be in bed, crying, or in a closet, or a corner rocking and back and forth. He never sexually abused me (though a babysitter did, once when I was 6). He didn’t really physically abuse me either. He hit me a few times, but I wouldn’t classify it as abuse. But he did threaten me physically. And he was physical. One of my most vivid memories as a child was my mother and I huddled together in the corner of her room as my father screamed outside the door and then proceeded to break the door down. He did this twice on two separate occasions. I vividly remember him throwing a giant glass jar full of some type of nuts or whatever at my mother out of anger. As recently as this past summer he was screaming at me because I got into a fender bender, and grabbed my arm, so I ran down the street and hid in my neighbors garage until he left. Or the time he kicked in our cabinets. Or screamed at me bloody murder, again until I blacked out, because the crabs somehow got let out of the crab traps. He always apologized. Always. But he’d do it again. And again and again. It happened as often as every day, and sometimes as far apart as a week. But every time I thought he was going to stop, it would happen again. Or he would threaten me, and use my fear of him against me. Threaten to give away my horse. To not let me go to college. To leave and go back to Iraq. To divorce my mom. And on and on and on. When I was younger I thought my parents splitting up would be the end of the world. Now I wish she would have left him when I was much younger.

I don’t hate my Dad. I hope no one gets that idea. And he’s not a bad person. Just not a great father. I don’t know why he does this. I know he’s sick. I know his dad did it to him. I just wish he loved me, my mom, and my brothers enough to get help. But he won’t. And I thought it was normal. The only relationship I’ve ever been exposed to is my parents. A relationship full of domestic violence and manipulation. I can’t fathom a healthy, functional relationship, because they don’t exist in my reality. Men have only ever hurt me. I never had a real father daughter relationship. But men scare me. Every man I ever spend time with I fight fear. And if they explode, yell, curse, anything at me? I freak out. To this day.

My biggest fear is that I’m damaged. I don’t tell people. I feel like no one will care. That I’m damaged. That I’ll never forget or move on. I feel paralyzed sometimes. And sometimes I want to deny it. Pretend my childhood was the same as all of my friends. Very few of my friends know about this. I don’t want them to think of me different. To judge me. But I’m scared. And I’m watching my 16 year old brother turn into my father in front of my eyes. I had to call the cops just a few weeks ago when he got so angry he almost hit me, but instead punched through a window and sliced his hand. He has the same rages. They’re few and far between, but I’m so scared. I’ve become afraid of him. He exploded on me verbally recently, and I blacked out. My little brother caused me to have the same fear response as my abusive father. I moved halfway across the country when I was 18 to get away from my father. And now here’s my baby brother, who I’ve always tried to protect the best I could, causing me to end up on the floor sobbing in the bathroom. I honestly thought he was father, my mom had to keep telling me he wasn’t my father.

Everyone says I’m such a strong person. Says I’m so smart, so driven, so blessed. And I know I’m blessed. I know God has given me so many good things. But I would give all the material things back if I could only have a real father. The one that my friends talked about. Who would hug them when their boyfriend broke their heart. Who would wait up for them when they’re on a date in high school, and threaten to kill anyone who hurt them. Who would do everything in their power to protect their little girl. Who would stay up and watch movies on the couch. Who would do anything to keep her safe. And I think he would for the most part. I think he tried to keep me safe from everything, but he just wasn’t willing to protect me from the thing that was hurting me the most - himself. And I sit here bawling my eyes out as I write this, I don’t want to post this. I don’t want anyone to know how pathetic and weak and damaged I am. How broken I am. How hopeless and worthless I feel. But it took me almost 20 years to realize that how I grew up wasn’t normal. That I was victimized by my father. And that I witnessed a marriage full of domestic abuse. And that none of that is normal. That none of that is okay. So if any of you know someone going through this, or if you yourself is going through this, just know you’re not alone. No one should have to go through abuse.

There is so much more I want to say. There is so much more I need to say. But right now I can’t. I hate talking about this at all. So forgive me, but I am trying.

xoxo - J

I Suck

Yes. I Suck. I admit it. And to all you guys who read this, I am very very sorry. I don’t know what my issue has been the past month and a half. I guess between school and life and family drama, I just got caught up. So many things have happened. I definitely can’t explain everything in one post. Especially since I have to leave for class in 45 minutes. And have a test tomorrow and Friday. Ugh.

Well. Spring Break boy is no longer. I know I have said that before, but this time it actually is true. He is just at a different point in my life than I am. He’s a fun guy. But fun is only one part of the equation. As for everyone else? Kryptonite Man and his girlfriend broke up. So as horrible as it is to say, I am SO happy about that. She was awful. Doctor boy and I don’t really talk anymore, mainly because he’s halfway across the country.

Now, Physics boy. I don’t know if y’all remember him. (Check out bullet 4 in Busy Busy Busy 10/13/12 ) But I’m totally crushing on him. Well I think I am. I don’t even know. But either way. I’m interested in getting to know him more. As of now we just study together, pretty much. But I can’t read him. Which is weird for me. I’m used to being able to read people pretty well. So we’ll see where that go.

I started a new job. Why the old one ended is a long ass story. But I’m super excited. The money is way better, I don’t ever work as late at night, and only have to cocktail once a week. Everyone seems super nice too, which is definitely a plus.

I’m still running a lot. But I can’t seem to keep any weight on. I keep bouncing between 103 ish and 108 ish. And at 5’7”, I probably should have a little more weight on me than that. High metabolism is great until it tries to kill you! Anyone have any recipes that are super high carb/protein that are easy/quick to make? I am in college remember!

Finally. School. So frustrating. I think I’m doing good. As long as I do acceptable on my Genetics final, I should easily get an A in the class. I have a 95% in there. Psych should be an A with no problem. As for Physics, who the hell knows. The curve should be super high, which means I could get an A potentially…. But you never know. Finally, Neuroscience. I am sitting right at a 90% in there. It is seriously the hardest class ever. And she claims she doesn’t curve at all, but I’ve heard from previous students that they see a big grade boost at the end, so maybe she drops a test score or something? That would be awesome, cuz I want an A so bad, and she says she only gives A’s to 93% and higher. Which is ridiculous for how hard that class is. Who knows. Finals are coming up. Which is terrifying. I never have been good at balancing studying for more than one class at a time. Anyone have any advice?

Last but not least, some crazy good news! I got into directed research working with a Genetics professor who is a Yale grad, and also the author of the best selling Genetics textbook in the country! I’m SOOO pumped. A letter of recommendation from him will really help me everywhere! I’m getting nervous for medschool applications. It’s absolutely crazy to me that I’ll be applying in 6 months. Unreal, I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. But first, I have to take an MCAT class next semester. So the real debate is: Kaplan or Princeton. Online or in person? As for the latter, I’m pretty sure im going to do in person, simply because I don’t do as well in online structures. But I really could use some advice for deciding Kaplan or Princeton. Any advice you guys?

I promise to blog again soon!

Xoxo  - J